The first steps

While I am about to embark on a new challenge in my life, I have to reflect on where I was a year ago. 

With doubts swimming through my head, I wanted to be different.  I wanted to be remembered for a type of person that I wanted to be.  I needed to make that change.  

I started to do things for me that represented who I am inside.  

I questioned what made me happy, what I was truly afraid of and what steps I needed to make to create a change to better myself.  Not on a selfish note, quite the opposite.  It was a choice to make my life what I wanted, to become happier, to then share it.  

My mum always told me, "to be happy you have to start with yourself".   

I opened up with my blog.  Step 1 - Write more often, write what I believe in, with passion and let the fear go.  You are asking ... what was I afraid of?  Failure, rejection... most things we are all afraid of. 

I discovered that I’m not alone (Thus the title of my blog - This Life) I can make mistakes, I own them and I learn from them.  

The best part of making a change is coming out on top.  The feeling is like, waking from a great nap.  One you’ve needed for ages, those naps when you sit up, stretch out and feel .... fantastic.

I’ve also learnt to go out of my comfort zone.  Start projects and complete them.  

I’ve learnt to say “No” and to recognize that it’s okay.  

When you want to do something, do it.  Take a deep breath and discover who you are.  

Your potential is your’s to own.  You can fly and touch the clouds.  

Remember, the first person you need to believe in is...

YOU

If you have it.. use it.

This past summer, I hosted a garage sale.  Had to clear out some clutter.  Less to dust I suppose but regardless, I needed it gone.  

While doing this, I also paid it forward doing acts of kindness when possible.  Gave some kids toys, a young man who’s beginning to teach, my son’s books, an a stranger, my shoulder. 

A woman popped by, she was quietly shifting around moving items from here to there.  Not saying much. I said my usual chipper “hello” and left her to her business.  Others came and went but she quietly shifted around. I slowly walked over to her, sensing her aprehension   

I opened her up with a light conversation about the weather and how sunny it has been.  We then shifted into people why come by sales such as this, what their intent was and then ... bam.  She fell apart.  No one was around and all I could do was wrap my arms around her.  She let it out, all of it.

Without thinking, I stated to talk and listen.  

I don’t know if she needed that shoulder to lean on, the words I said or just a moment to let go where she didn’t know a soul.  Regardless, I was there for her.  

I suppose we all have those days.  You know... the ones where we need to fall apart.  To have someone hold us and tell us this will pass, that we will find the strength to carry on.  No judgement, nothing.  

We are all human, we all feel we all crumble at one time or another.  The most important thing to remember...

It’s okay.  

You are allowed to cry.  You are allowed to be upset.  

You 

are 

allowed.

The next time you see someone and they look as though they are about to let go, tell them it’s okay.  You might be doing them a favour, something they need to know.  Just be kind enough to know it’s not about you, it’s just something they need to figure out.

Success can be falling while running up hill

I find it interesting how we stumble across our passion.

For our entire childhood lives, we are given suggestions on what we should be, do and who we should become.  In the fullness of time, it shows itself.  The fact that we don’t trust that, is a bit scary. 

I for one, had no idea what I wanted to do.  It just happened that I became a mum at an earlier start in my life than I anticipated but all in all, that was the beginning of my journey.  I just didn’t see it at the time.  

I discovered that being a mum was something that hit me to the core.  It really starts my passion and I find it to be the most important job in my life. 

Then, due to life experiences, my other passions came up.  Philanthropy, public speaking and writing.

I am not a professional in any of those fields but I do have an education in all of them that no University could grant me.  

When you start to wonder who you are, take a moment to look back at your life, your experiences and try to fit the puzzle pieces together.  You might be surprised at what you find out about yourself.  Reflect on how you’ve reacted to the life experiences and question if that is the direction you want it to go in.  Remember, it’s never too late to make a change, if it is not the path you thought you wanted to be in, then change the process your mind works.  

Be positive in most situations, remember you are human and that everyone falls going up hill.  

It’s how you recover that counts.  

Find your passion through your life experiences.  I did.  I’m most happy when talking and writing from my heart.  Again, I am not professional but I write with passion and even if it’s not successful, I am happy.  

Become the change you want to see

When I was 5, I thought the world could do no wrong.  I use to believe in Santa and the Tooth fairy.

 When I was 10, I thought I could do no wrong.  I use to believe I could anything.

When I was 15, I thought no boy could do no wrong.  I believed in a knight with shining armour.

When I was 20, I thought my son could do no wrong.  I believed in faith.

When I was 25, I thought I was doing it all wrong, I stopped believing in myself.

When I was 30, I thought I was able to over come anything.  I stopped looking inward.

When I was 35, I saw what I did wrong and started to change.  I wanted to do better.

When I was 40, I looked in the mirror and said to myself, “I’ve become the change I want to see”.

Finding your inspiration

There are days that while watching the news, reading the paper, seeing messages that, well simply put crush my heart.  I cry for the innocence taken away, the ones who know no difference, ones who become a victim of circumstance.  

I will, however not succumb to anger.  I will look at the brighter side of things, no matter the outcome, no matter the hardness, no matter the darkness.

I will face adversity with determination and I will help create a better world. 

Like rain, falling it creates a pond.  Like a ripple in the water, it will create a wave.  Like the sun rise early in the morning, it will create light for the day.

My inspiration is finding the good in the bad, the light in the morning, the wave in the ocean and the pond that fills up from rain.  

I know there is a better life out there.  These are my inspirations, this is my path.  

Find yours, build it, believe it.  

Give your child a chance

I want to believe I am quite the liberal parent.  I want to feel that what I teach my children, is something they will take with them as they grow up and become parents themselves, I want them to become better, to evolve as a parent, as I have.

I have been living a life of giving my children a chance.  I will not tell them what hate is.  I will do my best not to show them it either.  There is enough of hate shown around us, so I choose to teach them compassion, patience and above all, love.  

I will show them laughter, I will show them forgiveness, I will be what I want the change to be in this world.  I will provide them with the choices I was never given.  

I will not be the fence that holds them in but rather the gate that swings open.  

I will be the sun that warms them, to help them take off their jackets rather than the wind that forces the change.  

I will give them a chance, I hope you do to.

Nicky

Words from a friend

I’ve seen so many notes, posts and comments on why 
“she won’t leave” so I had to ask my friend
After she told me of the abuse she faced
Why do you stay?  Why won’t you walk away?
I knew when I looked into her eyes the answer 
it wasn’t as simple as I wanted to hear.

Not only do I have children that need me near, 
I cannot walk away because of these fears
He will fight me tooth and nail, I may lose them
he will take away the only joy i’ve known in my life
that has been without strings, without conditions
without my children, my life isn’t worth the breath
it isn’t worth the beat of my heart.

She continued to tell me something more.

No matter the fear I have, when I wake up daily
somehow I feel the small control I have helps my sanity
I may walk on egg shells, smile brightly when he looks
I may laugh when he tells a joke or forget the things he took
I may forgive his errors, I may not forget
for the moment I try, is the moment I take that chance 
to lose everything my life is based on.  

How can I look into my child’s eyes and say to them
no more family, no more laughter, no more home, no more chapters?

She tells me, she doesn’t need what he’s taken away, she’s already surrendered.
Her life outside the home is her sanity, her peace.  The children now in school
her time is her place.  He only takes what she can’t give, her love.

She tells me from time to time, what happens.  I won’t judge her.  I won’t press her to do anything more
than talk.  I will be here for her as a friend, with an ear, two arms to bend.  I’ll hold her close when she needs to talk, I’ll be her safety when she’s ready to walk.

The RAK Advent Calendar Challenge

I’ve been thinking about the traditional advent calendar.  Chocolates to ourselves daily, for the 24 days leading up to Christmas.  My question is this... when did Christmas become something about us and not others?  

Let’s change it up.... for the 24 days, instead of opening something up every day, let’s give back.  Take a photo of yourself every day doing something kind.  Paying it forward.  

Be loud and proud.  Keep those photo’s close by and on Christmas, take a moment to reflect on the lives you’ve changed, the moments you made brighter and the smiles you created.  

Start December 1, join me on this journey!

You’re going somewhere

The day I knew life was changing was the birth of my first son Michael.  

I held him in my arms, gazing down to his tiny face wondering how this helpless person would survive.  

Years later, I knew.  His incredible laughter, witty remarks and sense of adventure grew with each passing  day.  I saw it in his eyes.  He’s going somewhere and I’m not talking about travelling.  

Although I was never opposed to him trying that too.

It wasn’t often he spoke up but when he did, it was fantastic.  A light came from his soul that made me a proud mom.  He found himself a bit more each day and after all, isn’t that what mum’s want?  Their child to find themselves a bit more each day?

My second son’s arrival tossed me a bit.  I knew the happiness my first son brought me, could this come close?  Could I at least be a better mum with these years of experience?  

When feeding him, I knew it.  Being only a few weeks old, he gazed up while I fed him.  He reached for my hair and started to mimic my facial expressions.  I was in awe of my second chance at being a mum and wouldn’t waste it on a thing.  

Not only did being a parent for the second time fill my heart with more joy that I ever thought it could hold but it helped me learn more about my first son at the same time.  

My second son wouldn’t hold back with expressions, both physical and emotional.  I’m not sure if this was more of a  challenge for me after my first one being so .. introverted.  

Both have been so completely breathtaking, so completely amazing that I forgot who I was and tossed my life into theirs.  

Now, almost 24 years later from the start of my adventure of being a mum I can honestly admit that they are going somewhere.  

Oddly enough, I love them more each day even if one is an adult already.  

I feel like a peacock, my feathers the boys.  I show them off proudly.  

In Canada...

Not only are we a diverse set of people we help as much as possible.  At least, I’ve only seen the kindness in those around me.  Why?  Because it get’s so bloody cold here!  

All kidding aside, with the changes around us every year, with a 60 degree swing in temperature, we learn to adapt.  Perhaps that is what starts a mindset?  Who knows.  

One thing I know for sure is my children.  They are an extension of myself.  Not all of them, but a good part.  That, I am okay with.  I hope I've lead with kindness, treated others with compassion and have been the example I wish to see them become.  

No amount of anything, I mean ANYTHING can give me the joy and happiness they both have given me.  I am proud to say, when I look at them I am confident that they are good young men.  It didn’t just happen though, it’s been years of myself changing, adapting and learning with them.  Kinda like being Canadian.  

Nothing less than what you should expect.

Whatever life brings you, never sell yourself short.  Man or woman, you deserve to be treated with the same kindness you promise to give.  

This photo was taken in my back yard, flowers grown yearly.  

Answer the questions that start with yourself...

Before I knew how to walk, I crawled.  Before I knew how to run, I walked.  Before I knew how to fly, I ran.  I just kept moving forward.  

Nothing good comes easy in life.  We cannot know the answers before we understand the question.  It’s not easy when the questions are hard, the choices are harder.  Sometimes, we need to let life play it’s role and let things fall into place.  Sometimes, we need to take life by the horns and direct it where we feel it should go.  However you choose it to be, remember you have to start somewhere, you have to start with yourself.  It’s easy to believe in others, support and love them.  It’s difficult to do the same for yourself when you’ve never done this before.  Each moment you are alive, own it.  Know it is yours and live it.  

No one can take away who you are unless you give them permission.  Regardless if it is physically or emotionally. The key is knowing when you are giving it and when it is being taken away.  

When it started, I didn’t expect this outcome..

January 5, 2012 

I started to write here.  At first, it wasn’t to be published, for public eyes.  It was a way to express emotions, a record I suppose.

Before I knew it, I went public.  I came out as a “blogger” 

*insert rolling eyes with side smirk*

The next few years, it became a journey.  Partly for me, partly for others.  I’ve found that when some shared stories with me, it struck cords and I found that life, this life we share is more similar than I ever knew.  

A good 10 years ago, I saw nothing outside of my circle.  I call it a circle because I thought everything revolved around my life.  Little did I know, my circle was a smaller part to a bigger one around.  

When you see the title to this blog, know that it’s not about me.  It’s about you.  It’s about finding a bigger purpose in life.  

Each other.  

When you fall, pick yourself up and dust yourself off as I did.  I’m not perfect but inside this soul I carry around, I am happy.  Happier than I’ve been in ages all because I’m not longer looking inside, but looking outside.

Life will get better.  It’s only up to you.  Dance, live your life.  

My grandfather and I dancing (I was in the white dress)

Who thought food would teach this...

A quiet Saturday morning.  My younger son and I crawl out of bed a bit later than usual but it’s warranted.  He’s recovering from the breaks in his ankle and I’m exhausted from a few extra activities that I picked up.  No complaints though!  Needless to say, the extra sleep was welcomed.  

After doing my Saturday tidy around the house, I start to prepare breakfast.  Egg sandwiches.  Any other person might just toss one together, I start thinking.  I won’t bother putting this entire thing together... I’ll prepare it all and give him the option.  

SLAP!

What a great analogy!  

No, I’ve not fallen off my rocker.  I think it just get’s better every day.  The thought process that is. 

My son is 14.  If he’s not thinking about food, then I don’t know what he’s thinking of.  So, after the thoughts goes through my head, I smirk.  I’m am going to use this.. it’s going to be AWESOME! 

20 minutes later, after the bacon has cooked, I’ve prepared the plate full of options to add and eggs have been placed upon the toast, I call him over to the table.  

“WOW, thanks Mum.... this looks great”!

He hops himself into the chair and starts digging in.  Of course, before he get’s too far, I ask him to stop for a minute.

I smirk again.

“Hey bud, you know how I always try to encourage you to do different things, how I want you to live your life”?

“yah”

“Well, life is like this in front of you.  If you are given the same sandwich day in and day out, you won’t know what’s out there, you’ll never know diversity.”

“yah” 

“If you are aware of the options in life, you can choose.  I want you to be aware, I want you to choose”.  

“yah, I know”.

“I don’t want you to think that because you only see things through your parents life, that is your only option”.

“yah”

“Artie, live life.  Take from it what you love, make it your own and enjoy it  just like this sandwich”.

“That’s kinda cool mum”.  

I smirk

“yah, it is”.