what lifts you up will return to be brighter

Sometimes, we let the wrong experiences define us.  The tough ones that we never thought the light would come back before it was over.  Moments where we have felt defeted, abandoned and jaded. 

The hardest parts of my life, were the ones that have almost pushed me over the edge, where I thought the light was gone.  I did, however clear the dust, after each stumble.  I'd recreate another path, with help from some extremely kind and loving people, at times, felt that without them, I wouldn't have survived.  

To this day, I still have some moments where I live in doubt and fear.  To this day, I look over my shoulder.  I even had been to the point that it almost effected my daily living.  I had a dog that I wouldn't leave a home without.  I wouldn't trust people and I lost some amazing opportunities due to this fear that developed from that life experience.  Where did it get me while I was trying to recover?  Not far.  Other than the gym or the furthest grocery store.  I learnt ways to protect, ways to develop a stronger second sense.  

After some time, I noticed how this experience was shaping me.  How I reverted to the "fight or flight" mode instead of "communicating and resolving."  I looked at myself both physically and internally reflecting on my direction.  Where I am going and where I could be?  

I forgot to stop looking at where I was in a positive light.  I know it's important to not forget the past so we don't make the same mistakes, it is also important to validate where we've come from and to celebrate the milestones.  To know that you've done your best and it's time to move on.  Your light will return and It will be okay.

Perhaps the thought that kept me going wasn't about what happened that tore me down but what happened that lifted me up. 

Where fear and doubt belong

you know that wee voice of doubt in your head?  You know, the one constantly knocking at every opportunity?  It's part of a bigger thing called fear and that itself has killed more dreams than you know of. It's something that should be locked away, yet we keep giving it another chance. 

Fear can cripple the most powerful by putting the wrong ideas into ones head, by guiding one to make a poor decision or a harsh reaction. Together fear and doubt can crush souls, destroy relationships and diminish the value of anything that you care for.  

What can you do to avoide fear and doubt?  For starters, write things down. Put what you are feeling on paper or in digital. Whatever you do, start with writing. Document your feelings then take a walk, a rest, a hot bath, just take a break. 

Return to the written document no sooner than 24 hours. Read it in peace, alone and out loud. Hear your voice and make how you felt real. Own it completely. 

Now rewrite it. Don't delete it or throw your original copy away but simply rewrite it as you see it today. Did your perspective change?  How do you feel?  

Take a deep breath and let it go. Rip it up or tuck it away. Regardless, do not keep it in front of you. 

Use these same principles in your every day life. Give fear and doubt that 24 hour rule. If it still seems doubtful or causes you fear then you'll need to go further. Just start here.

What is love?

I was reviewing my posts, searching to see if I wrote a specific blog on what I feel love is.. the funny thing I found while using the key word "love" in my search, was many of the posts had the word love in it, but none on it.  

Love is defined in the dictionary as;

However friends and family I've spoken to define it better.

Love is strength inside, defying all odds, by loving yourself.

Love is unconditional and knows no boundaries by loving another.

Love, in its purest form, accepts all by learning love is unconditional. 

At all times in life, we experience levels of love.  With kind actions, we see gestures given without expectations or when we feel the warmth of another's compassion.  

Love another.  

Love unconditionally, love completely.  

One up

You are caught up in a situation where you know, damn it.. you are right and you want it to be known, no matter what.  Telling whomever will listen, speaking your truth over and over again, wanting to be validated.

Over time though, you'll discover that the energy you expelled to prove you were right was not worth it.  Let me clarify this..

It is not worth it.

Vindication is not always healthy, helpful or otherwise kind.

I look back at my first relationship with my oldest son's father and his family.  I thought that if I fought back enough, I would "win" and they would see my worth as a mum.  I felt I had to prove to them and others my value.  

I look back now and see the wasted energy, time and the lost relationships.  Shaking my head as I type, I know I cannot get those back.

However, I still have the time to forgive, let go and ask for their forgiveness.  The regret is that I wasn't able to look past my immediate feelings at the time for the greater good, my son.  I'll own this.  

So that "one up" you feel you have in your back pocket will always weigh you down.  It will burn a hole through whatever you use to carry it and will not give you the satisfaction you think you'll get from it.

Perhaps, take a moment before you respond, reply or react.  Think about how it will affect things 5 minutes from now, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years.  Perhaps the best response is nothing at all.  That "one up" you think you have for whatever reason is for you to consider and no one else.

Resetting your thoughts

After hitting the reset button almost two years ago with some of my personal relationships, I've discovered how to label many thoughts in my mind. Mostly for the sake of keeping my mental state balanced, which it seems, in the past wasn't always the case as I wouldn't face the many challenges, rather in simple terms, place my head in sand to avoid the truth. Feeling scattered, stressed and unrested.  

I've learnt to feel the calmness in facing and conquering the same challenges albeit not always as successful as I'd want, I still face the challenge. 

We all have a picture in our heads of who we are, so let's visit that for a wee moment. 

You are reflecting on the past, perhaps painful and challenging. Did you feel valued?  Did you feel shame?  Is that person you see, small and unable?  Curled in a ball in the corner?  

If that's the case, take a moment to dig a bit further in a positive way.  That person you were may not have felt valued and carried shame for years however, that person survived. Regardless of how, they did. Now revisit that image. Are they still small, unable and curled in the corner or do you see that small person standing proudly, with a grin with a feeling of accomplishment?  


For every step we take, we choose to see the adversity or the successes. Those moments will help us either move forward or stay in the present.  

Take a moment to take inventory in your life, the experiences and label them.  Then turn them each into positive moments. You don't have to do them all at once, just start like this..

"When I was 6, we had a puppy that ran away as I left the gate open.  A day later, she returned.  I was very upset with myself for not being responsible."

While you owned it, you never forgave yourself. The shame from this may linger in your subconscious telling you how incapable or irresponsible you are.  This is where you stop growing.  Take a step back and tell yourself you made the mistake, (owning it) then make the change to remember to close the gate. 

Congrats!  You've just moved forward. You've taken a mistake, learnt from it and made it positive.  Use every opportunity to grow and become a stronger, more confident person. If you choose to let the shame linger, you will remain stuck.

Discovering your mountain

As I hunker down on my daily tasks, I reflect on the past years, not only my own but others that have been closest to me.  When I started to write, I wanted to encourage and inspire my own children, in the process finding myself.  

It was by utter surprise when I stumbled a few times, that each moment I would dust myself off, pull myself back up that I'd find more inspiration inside.  

We all keep searching for the one thing that brings meaning to our lives, to tell ourselves and the world, "This is why I'm here" and some of us, perhaps by luck, find it.  Truly though, going day to day with our heads down and back ends up working, providing and living for another we lose ourselves.  Then, years later we wake up from the daily grind and ask "Where has time gone?"  We look in the mirror and see someone we forgot about.  

Have you noticed when life events happen, blame is the first thing we throw and forget to not only at times, to take accountability but to see why it happened?  

A lost relationship, a lost job or a lost ..

Are they really a loss or are they something to help us find the right direction, to head in and make the change to find ourselves again, to reinvent perhaps?  Risk is a fear we use as our largest road block.  

I've often read that public speaking is our biggest fear.  Why?  Because we are risking taking the moment to put our selves out there completely, making us accountable in the present, completely vulnerable.  

I personally live life as transparent as possible.  Although I feel at times, less capable of some tasks at hand, I'll be open and honest.  I suppose that's why I love public speaking.  I am open to that risk but inside, terrified of failing myself.  I know what I am capable of, and slowly am building that mountain I need to conquer by placing each pebble, each rock in places so I can climb it and say, "Here I am".  Now it's your turn.

Being honest with yourself

Let me be brutally honest.  More so than usual.

I swear sometimes.

 I get sad... I mean, down right boo hoo, want to crawl in a hole and lose myself.

Sometimes,

I doubt myself.

I question a lot of my choices and reactions.

I am afraid of thunder and butterfly's.

Sometimes I talk in my sleep when my mind is full and the thoughts spill over.

I mostly hold judgment on myself. Anything I do is a result of one question, "would I be proud of this choice?"

Aside all those negative things these are the ones I am proud to be honest about.

I swear sometimes times. I've learnt some words can be used to express emotions, even if they sound crude. 

I cry, abundantly and honestly but then feel a lot better.

I doubt myself but I know that if I didn't I'd be living life ignorantly. 

I may be afraid of nature but I'll embrace it too.  I sit in the stillness of a storm and watch a butterfly transform and fly away.  

I know when I talk in my sleep, I am relaxed enough to do so and trust.

When I hold judgement on myself, I make myself accountable and more often than not, if a change is needed, I'll do that too. 

What is being told here, isn't about me so much as it's about the truth of who we all are.  To recognize and accept.  To know what we do is something we have to be proactive about at times and, during our valleys, to learn that it's okay, things will turn around when we are ready and willing. 

Not your design

Like each of you, I wake throughout the night, thoughts racing through my head.  Mostly worry, of things that although the rational part of my brain understands, I cannot change at 2 am, it still swims with concern, "did I do all that I could have?" 

For instance, as a parent and going through this role a second time (the kids are 10 years apart) I know more now than I did the first go around. I know that each child is different but letting them learn, this is a key to acceptance and growth.

Your children were not a blessing to your life so that you could build them to be a reflection of you but, perhaps to teach you to expand and understand how different we all are and that we all come the same way, no matter our ethnicity or gender.

Now as an older, wiser parent (sitting with a slight sarcastic grin), I will not force my youngest into something or to become someone he isn't. I use to believe that kids were this blank sheet waiting for us to design.  Now I understand, our children are their own persons who we should nourish with an abundance of love and acceptance. I hope I've taught them good values, provided a strong morale compass and proven my unconditional love so that they know at anytime, during any situation, they can trust I'll be here with open arms, ready to love them unconditionally. 

Mothers day tribute - to my sons

When you were born I held your wee body in my hands.  Tightly, I kept you warm and safe.  I saw your first step, could hear your first word, and those tiny giggles.  We'd hide under the blankets, with a flash light telling silly stories.  We'd sit and listen to music and talk about the birds.  Plant corn in our front yard and play with worms.  Cuddle while you tried your hardest to read words from a book.  I held the back of your seat when you took off on your first bike, riding faster than I ever imagined.  Your butterfly kisses on my cheeks and the gentle touches with your tiny hands made my heart swell.  

I watched you cross the street, take the bus, explore beyond my dreams and then return home.  

Mothers day.. isn't about receiving another gift, It's about what you already gave me.  

You taught me to love unconditionally, accept completely and laugh with abandon.  I will always splash in puddles because of you.  I will run in the rain.  I will look up to the sky and see beyond the clouds because you reminded me to.  I see more than I could have imagined.  I feel more than I thought possible.  All because of you.  It's not about measuring the time it took to have you join my life but remembering every, single, moment that I've had with you. 

I love you both with more than my soul can take.  So instead of expecting something on what they say is Mothers day, I'll say .. 

thank you. 

Love Mum

What I'd give

With all the life changes that happen, I'll take a moment to reflect.  In clairity, without discrimination and with as much compassion I'd want to see returned.

Who's to say the choices another make are good or bad?  What landed them in the position they are in at this moment.   I'll my live life for what it is...

What I'd give to see another succeed or become a better person for themselves?  I know my heart is the first thing that would be surrendered and perhaps that isn't what most think is ideal but it's the truth.

It doesn't matter any more what someone else thinks of the choices I make, my path is that.. my path.  I'll choose what I feel is right, even if the consequences are tough to swallow.  It's not my place to pass judgement on another, all I need to know is that I'll lay down at night with the faith in myself that I've done something right.

So go forth, spread joy.  Give faith and trust that things will work out.  I cannot tell you that I've tossed myself into the wind over the past 2 years and how it's turned out.  I walk, with the sun warming my face and my heart.  I give without expectations and trust.  I won't waffle any longer from what I know is the truth.