Being honest with yourself

Let me be brutally honest.  More so than usual.

I swear sometimes.

 I get sad... I mean, down right boo hoo, want to crawl in a hole and lose myself.

Sometimes,

I doubt myself.

I question a lot of my choices and reactions.

I am afraid of thunder and butterfly's.

Sometimes I talk in my sleep when my mind is full and the thoughts spill over.

I mostly hold judgment on myself. Anything I do is a result of one question, "would I be proud of this choice?"

Aside all those negative things these are the ones I am proud to be honest about.

I swear sometimes times. I've learnt some words can be used to express emotions, even if they sound crude. 

I cry, abundantly and honestly but then feel a lot better.

I doubt myself but I know that if I didn't I'd be living life ignorantly. 

I may be afraid of nature but I'll embrace it too.  I sit in the stillness of a storm and watch a butterfly transform and fly away.  

I know when I talk in my sleep, I am relaxed enough to do so and trust.

When I hold judgement on myself, I make myself accountable and more often than not, if a change is needed, I'll do that too. 

What is being told here, isn't about me so much as it's about the truth of who we all are.  To recognize and accept.  To know what we do is something we have to be proactive about at times and, during our valleys, to learn that it's okay, things will turn around when we are ready and willing. 

Not your design

Like each of you, I wake throughout the night, thoughts racing through my head.  Mostly worry, of things that although the rational part of my brain understands, I cannot change at 2 am, it still swims with concern, "did I do all that I could have?" 

For instance, as a parent and going through this role a second time (the kids are 10 years apart) I know more now than I did the first go around. I know that each child is different but letting them learn, this is a key to acceptance and growth.

Your children were not a blessing to your life so that you could build them to be a reflection of you but, perhaps to teach you to expand and understand how different we all are and that we all come the same way, no matter our ethnicity or gender.

Now as an older, wiser parent (sitting with a slight sarcastic grin), I will not force my youngest into something or to become someone he isn't. I use to believe that kids were this blank sheet waiting for us to design.  Now I understand, our children are their own persons who we should nourish with an abundance of love and acceptance. I hope I've taught them good values, provided a strong morale compass and proven my unconditional love so that they know at anytime, during any situation, they can trust I'll be here with open arms, ready to love them unconditionally. 

Mothers day tribute - to my sons

When you were born I held your wee body in my hands.  Tightly, I kept you warm and safe.  I saw your first step, could hear your first word, and those tiny giggles.  We'd hide under the blankets, with a flash light telling silly stories.  We'd sit and listen to music and talk about the birds.  Plant corn in our front yard and play with worms.  Cuddle while you tried your hardest to read words from a book.  I held the back of your seat when you took off on your first bike, riding faster than I ever imagined.  Your butterfly kisses on my cheeks and the gentle touches with your tiny hands made my heart swell.  

I watched you cross the street, take the bus, explore beyond my dreams and then return home.  

Mothers day.. isn't about receiving another gift, It's about what you already gave me.  

You taught me to love unconditionally, accept completely and laugh with abandon.  I will always splash in puddles because of you.  I will run in the rain.  I will look up to the sky and see beyond the clouds because you reminded me to.  I see more than I could have imagined.  I feel more than I thought possible.  All because of you.  It's not about measuring the time it took to have you join my life but remembering every, single, moment that I've had with you. 

I love you both with more than my soul can take.  So instead of expecting something on what they say is Mothers day, I'll say .. 

thank you. 

Love Mum

What I'd give

With all the life changes that happen, I'll take a moment to reflect.  In clairity, without discrimination and with as much compassion I'd want to see returned.

Who's to say the choices another make are good or bad?  What landed them in the position they are in at this moment.   I'll my live life for what it is...

What I'd give to see another succeed or become a better person for themselves?  I know my heart is the first thing that would be surrendered and perhaps that isn't what most think is ideal but it's the truth.

It doesn't matter any more what someone else thinks of the choices I make, my path is that.. my path.  I'll choose what I feel is right, even if the consequences are tough to swallow.  It's not my place to pass judgement on another, all I need to know is that I'll lay down at night with the faith in myself that I've done something right.

So go forth, spread joy.  Give faith and trust that things will work out.  I cannot tell you that I've tossed myself into the wind over the past 2 years and how it's turned out.  I walk, with the sun warming my face and my heart.  I give without expectations and trust.  I won't waffle any longer from what I know is the truth.

Your story

Recently, I've had to reflect on the journey I took in late 2015.  Although it was life changing, while I was in it, I didn't know how I could see today.  The future that is.  I had lost weight & hair in the process.  feeling like I lost control when in fact, I had done the opposite.  Doing the opposite of what I was told I could do.  I won't get into details about that but I will say, I discovered more than I anticipated.

What was it?  

I discovered myself.  My voice.  My strength.  My happiness.

Now talking with another, trying to help navigate the journey for another to take seems like a life time ago.  I am sitting on the sidelines silently cheering them on, hoping to be a source of strength and clear direction.  

I let them know that life happens and like a frog in water, boiling we do not notice the change until it's almost too late.  We adapt and accept.  While doing this, we risk loosing ourselves. 

Why do I say all this?  To encourage you to share your stories.  The simple fact that I've shared my story with a few and now I've been given the opportunity to give back.  I was shocked at my words when they came out but happier to be a source of information.  Being a source of strength.  

So, heed my words.  Share your story.  Help another find their journey to finding themselves, their voice, their strength and mostly, their happiness.  

Speaking out loud

Accountability - for choices

Acceptance - of choices

Change - the ability to make things better 

Why did those words come to mind when I was speaking today?  It happened while I was in discussion about the actions of others.  

"An action was taken by another person that we feel is wrong.  Where it may not have hurt you or caused damage but it's what they've grown up with and perhaps don't know anything else."  

I gave this example..

Growing up, a child may live with a family who sees their skin type as the only thing acceptable or a gender that is less than another.  What opinions do you think that child may form?  Remember, in their eyes, it isn't wrong.   

We become aware of our own personal truths and are accountable for them.  Accepting the change that needs to happen and finally, the last step is change.  We are all capable of making a change in our thought process but until we start with being accountable, we cannot accept change. 

I closed off the conversation with these 2 things, that I was taught as a child.

1. If you are blind or def, how can you tell what they look or sound like?
2. If we are cut, do we not bleed the same?

Changing the past starts with ourselves.  

Discovering the reasons to your chapters

Many times, I've referred to life as a journey and for the most part it is.  Better referred to as a book, each moment, is like a chapter in our personal memoir and how we choose to direct the path is in our control.  Knowing it, or should I say, being aware is the biggest part of the final destination, your epilogue. 

I write, mostly in reflection of my personal life, the experiences and what I see happening in it.  Perhaps, this has given me peace which is, the most substantial & satisfying feeling I've longed for during these past 45 years.  

I've always wondered why.  As in, why things happen, to whom and what was the purpose.  

Without knowing your journey, this chapter you are in, I cannot explain to yours to you.  I do know now, without a doubt some of my many why's.  Of course, they were not explained to me or shown during the process but after time and a lot of reflection, I see them.  

Regardless if they hurt me or not, they were lessons.  

For example, one chapter in my life story would reflect on family and the value of it.  I choose at one point to disregard any communication with my own mother.  Back when I did, it was partly due to some misinformation, disproportionate to what the truth was and partly due to myself needing clarity to the relationship I longed for.  I refused phone calls, gifts and even when she needed me, refused what was expected from me as a daughter.  

In time, I was given many gifts from this painful experience.  I recognize, more painful for my mum.  Now, years later, we do have what I longed for and perhaps what she needed from me without saying a word.  I owe my younger brother an apology as I am sure he endured most of the grief as we struggled through our time of discovery.  

For all of that, I am grateful for the gifts of time, for if I lost her before we ended that chapter, my regret and grief could have consumed me.  I am grateful for the value this has given me, the strength it taught me and the respect I have gained for her.  We've learnt how to talk, how to forgive and how to move forward, all without anger or resentment.  

What is it?

It is the sun, cresting on the horizon with the crisp morning air touching your lips and the breath of the person you share your life with while they sleep.  The sound that warms your soul when you feel lost, like a bird singing while they swoop through the trees, feeling the wind through their wings, giving them freedom.  

It is the moment you see a child laugh, with abandon.

The feeling a woman gets when she reflects at herself after years.  Seeing scars & marks, knowing they were from the love of childbirth and the years of laughter given that followed.  

It is the man who has sacrificed hours to help provide a safe home and given unconditionally through sleepless nights and lost moments.  

It is patient and kind, it does not envy, boast or is proud.  It will not dishonour another nor will it self seek.  It does not have anger or keeps record of any wrong doings.  

It will always protect, always trust, always hope and preserve.  

It .. will never fail.

What is it? 

Love

When you see moments of hatred, anger and disrespect help stop it by creating moments of kindness, respect and patience.  Lead by example, so that change happens.  

Be the change you wish to see.

What does it take to be a man?

Yep, I just asked that... I didn't raise a child to find out he doesn't have what it takes to be a man.

What does that mean?  

The opinion of some people I use to talk to;

"A boy should fear an adult, it's how they learn respect."   "A boy shouldn't cry or show his emotions."  "A boy should be treated like a king by many women at one time."   A story told to one of my boys .. from someone who thought it was a joke, about a young bull and an old bull.  The young bull wanted to run down a hill and mate with one of the cows... the old bull responded with "no, let's walk down and mate with them all."  *(in case you are wondering, the word "mate" is used in replace of what the other person felt was acceptable to use) 

I sat there, my jaw down quickly correcting this, scolding the man who thought it was funny.   I shake my head knowing full well what is out there, wondering if those who teach their boys these principles .. do they have a daughter?  If the answer is yes, I fear for their daughters safety.  

I constantly stand with a picture in my head.  I'm in a box, with a bat leaning outside ready for me to use.  The box represented how some men see a woman.  Kept.  The bat represented what I would use to knock those comments out.  

What does it take to be a man?  Here's my humble and honest opinion. 

A man WILL show his emotions and all of them, without hurting anyone around them, being honest and humble.  

A man WILL treat a woman as he treats his mother.  (Hopefully with respect and love and not out of fear.)

A man WILL not connect fear with respect.  

My mother instilled in me some strong beliefs.  If I were blind, could I judge someone by their color?  If they bled, would it be the same as mine?  Yes.  

I hope that I've instilled enough in my children to be better than me.  To become a good, strong men who love openly, respects and not encourage fear.  I hope my 2 sons have compassion and love, understanding and empathy.  If my life were to end today, I hope I've left this world a better place by crawling out of the box and using the bat.  

Better yet, let's stop using "to be a better man" and start using "to be a better person".  

This moment

Live in this very moment.  

Be as present as possible and with as much gratitude.  If you don't, the worries of tomorrow and the regret of yesterday will weigh you down and keep your mind going at 2 am.  

Live truthfully.

Stop denying what is happening.  Start facing the truths, no matter what they are.  Good or bad.  If you aren't being authentic with yourself, doubt will creep into your mind with everything that is around you.  Guilt will tear you down faster than anyone or thing ever could.

Give with gratitude.

Don't look for what's owed to you.  Nothing is and life will only happen when you decide to take control.  What is around you & who is in your life.  If you don't like it, then change it.  Start giving without any expectations and you'll see things change.  I'm not talking about physically but what's inside you, it's called perspective.

Take time for yourself.

Read.  Walk.  listen to your heart.  Love yourself as you are.  We aren't here for long so enjoy the moments alone and the quiet that surrounds you.  It's an amazing thing!  

Share your story.

Our lives are connected more than you know.  We all are on a journey in life and when we see that others are living in a similar pattern, we feel connected.  It helps the rough times feel easier, it helps us understand what we are going through and teaches us empathy.  

So live, in this moment.  Love this moment.  Be grateful for this moment.  Be authentic to yourself and above all, love who you are.