I write, mostly in reflection of my personal life, the experiences and what I see happening in it. Perhaps, this has given me peace which is, the most substantial & satisfying feeling I've longed for during these past 45 years.
I've always wondered why. As in, why things happen, to whom and what was the purpose.
Without knowing your journey, this chapter you are in, I cannot explain to yours to you. I do know now, without a doubt some of my many why's. Of course, they were not explained to me or shown during the process but after time and a lot of reflection, I see them.
Regardless if they hurt me or not, they were lessons.
For example, one chapter in my life story would reflect on family and the value of it. I choose at one point to disregard any communication with my own mother. Back when I did, it was partly due to some misinformation, disproportionate to what the truth was and partly due to myself needing clarity to the relationship I longed for. I refused phone calls, gifts and even when she needed me, refused what was expected from me as a daughter.
In time, I was given many gifts from this painful experience. I recognize, more painful for my mum. Now, years later, we do have what I longed for and perhaps what she needed from me without saying a word. I owe my younger brother an apology as I am sure he endured most of the grief as we struggled through our time of discovery.
For all of that, I am grateful for the gifts of time, for if I lost her before we ended that chapter, my regret and grief could have consumed me. I am grateful for the value this has given me, the strength it taught me and the respect I have gained for her. We've learnt how to talk, how to forgive and how to move forward, all without anger or resentment.
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