A path paved with good intentions does not always lead to hell

I am a glass half full, rose wearing specks hockey mum.  I am a help the odd man up, cheer the odd man on kinda gal.  No matter the amount of losses, you’ll hear me in the crowds all the time cheering you on.  

I certainly don't expect the same in return but many times, I feel kicked to the curb by good intentions misunderstood.  This week more so than ever.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m simply pointing out that, I am human too.  I’m quite sure you already knew that but ... sometimes I can be misread.  

Life happens.  No matter the outcome of someone’s words that made them look much uglier than I ever imagined, I plan on heading back onto the path and showing, that no only do I have good intentions, I will follow through.  

Why?  I’ve been there, I know it hurts your dumb ass to fall down but I also know it feels amazing to eat humble pie and get back up. 

On that note, I need a good nights rest. 

Don’t forget to NOT give up.  

"L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés ou désirs.”

Simple moments of happiness

The house is as quiet as possible with a bit of music playing in the back ground and I have a warm plate of freshly baked banana bread at my side.  

Small bites at a time do more than fill my belly, they feed my soul.  

As I blended the flour with other necessary ingredients, I recall the times standing beside my grandmother or mum as a young girl laughing and baking.  The smell brings the memories flooding back, of discussions and debates.  Both my mum and grandmother have been women of strength.  Showing much needed compassion and the ability to show others how strength is defined.  

I’ll never forgot those moments.  More so when I stand at the kitchen counter, with a bit of flour on my apron, waiting for the milk to sour so I can complete this small baking task I use to share with the women in my life who helped define me.  

As simple as this act is to others, it’s a way I honour both of them daily.  

What are the simple happy moments for you?

Your mental positive exercise for today

Here’s an exercise for your mind.  

When you’ve faced adversity, what have you gained?  

I know it can be a hard one to wrap your head around when the thing that could have torn you down and possibly broken you that is something you gained from.  

An example I’ll share.

My first marriage.  I was 18 years of age and although I thought the dream of escaping one life into another was the answer to the problems I was trying to fix, it wasn't.  

I turned 18 in February, became pregnant in April, married in October then gave birth to my first in December.  The following year in December I was a single mum.  We were both young.  It was the most emotional year of my life and the most educational. 

During that time, I had the happiest moment and of course, the saddest.  

Looking back now, I know why.  

I learnt that running from one problem into another, won’t solve anything.  That no one, not a knight in shinning armour will fix things, that it’s up to you and only you.  Facing your fears may be hard but running from them is (in the long term) is harder.

All this being said, many years later I am a much different woman.  I have regrets on how I tried to solve the issues, taking it out on those who were ultimately wanting to help me.  That being said, I have more positives from this time than negatives.

So, for a few moments and reflect on those tough moments in your life.  Take it step by step in your mind and try to see where it’s lead you in life.  Have you improved?  Has your thought process changed?  Has your actions in life changed?  

If you are like me, they have.  For the better.  

Believe as if it was your last breath

You experienced it at a young age, your earliest memories of the act isn’t a mystery and it’s far beyond your expectations.  

Why is it so hard to find as an adult?  Now, amongst our busy days if we blink we might miss the simplicity of it all.  

The desire of this simple act is something that has been screamed for by the mute, heard by the deaf, more desired for by the rich.  Yet we disregard the simplest act of it.  

What is the one thing that we need to continue this life, the simple breath that we take to start our lives each day?

Belief. 

In yourself, the ones closest to you.

Belief that today’s changes are ones for you to take.

In someone’s good will.

In a smile, a glance, a hand, a hug.

A higher power, a better world...

Belief in a choice.

Stop for a moment and question something... When did you stop believing?  

Deep inside, you know it as well as I.

We never stopped believing.  We just let the noise outside become too loud to hear that child inside say;  

“believe"

Take a moment, just today, right now to listen to yourself.  Ask why, but most importantly, when.

Now make a choice to change from being lost, to believing something can be done, change can happen.

It starts with your first breath each morning.  You are going to survive this and you will be the change you want to see happen.  

Start with believing in yourself, as no one will until you do. 

Going to the professional league

Yep, I said it.  I don’t give a rat’s ass what everyone else things either.  

ha... if I told my child anything other what do you think would happen?  He’d coast along believing that he’s happy with what he has.  Heck, the odds?  Better than making the Olympics.  Yet if a child you know told you they were aiming for the Olympics, would you say they couldn’t?  Of course NOT!  So why crush a dream before it starts.  

Let’s face it, for any child that has a dream to make it to a professional team as a young adult, the odds are small BUT who are we to take that dream away?  

Did anyone tell you that you weren’t smart enough to graduate?  How about get that job you think is the “dream” job?  

Whatever you set your sights on in life, if someone tells you that you can’t have it, chances are you might actually believe them.  

I would hope you would actually try to prove them wrong.  

So ask me this,  am I going to tell my child they can’t become the worlds greatest Chef (my older son is working towards his Red Seal) 

... or that my child won’t make it to the NHL?  (my younger son plays hockey).

Not on your life!  

Am I going to support them with the proper education, being a good parent or setting an example of how to live a happy life?  

Your damn right I am.  

I’ll admit, some day’s I wear a mask to hide the fears I have, the burdens I carry or even my frustrations but only for a bit.  

I’ll let them know I am human, I do feel and I can recover.  

Life IS going to toss me a curve ball, I AM going to fall 

but...

I AM going to catch that ball eventually, I will get up and dust off my pants.  I WILL recover.  I WILL succeed.  

As will both of my boys.  

Life isn’t life without having to face adversity, discovering disappointment and discovering our successes.  

Learn from the past, live for the moment

I’ve been thinking about this year and about the past.  What did I accomplish and what direction my life has taken me to this point.  Mostly, where I want to be by the end of this year.  

I know that history repeats its self so what do I want to change the most?

Who am I?   Well, I’ve discovered that happiness for me isn’t about things.  It’s isn’t about me but happiness that comes from what I’ve done.  I know one thing for sure, when I’ve helped put a smile on someone else’s face I feel great.  I gain energy from doing something right.  

I’ve discovered that feeding into frustration and anger makes me feel tired.  

So, for this year I won’t only push myself to think with a more positive outlook, I’ll help others do the same.  It’s about the change I want to see in this world.  Sure, I can’t change everything but I can start with myself and I hope, it helps others.  I want to feel the good energy in life, I want to smile until my face hurts, laugh until my tummy hurts, I want to do more than last year.  

Remember, whatever you do, don’t give up.  It’s okay to stumble, it’s great to fall.  You’ll never know how to get back up unless you do.  Once you do get up, you’ll know how to do it better, you’ll be stronger and you will know how to live with compassion when you do.

Happy New Year my friends!

A hockey mum vent

Being a hockey mum for 9 years now I’ve partly developed some thick skin, a tolerance to ignorance *rolling my eyes* and a strong ability to put my head in the sand knowing full well when to actually use my filter on thoughts that so desperately want to come through my lips onto the ears of those who seem to need it.  

All in all, I’m happy my youngest son is happy.  Really, he’s got this uncanny ability to let the snark comments roll off his shoulder and skate through a tough loss with a smile.  He’s got it partly figured out.  Who gives a rats ass if you had fun.  I’ve told him over and over again, unless it will make a difference 10 years from now, ride it.  Have fun and laugh.

Don’t get me wrong.  His desire to win is more than I can say for some of the kids I’ve seen out on the ice for the past 9 years.  I’ve seen parents put their kids in hockey when it’s crystal clear they don’t want to even step into an arena.  I get it.  Before having a child in hockey, I could have cared less.  Yep, I said it.  

Now though, seeing what it taught me, what hockey actually gave me... I wouldn’t take it back.  I love it. 

It’s not just about hockey though.  It’s about the friends I’ve met along the way.  The lessons I’ve learnt and the strength I’ve gained.  

That’s only me.  I can’t imagine what my son’s gained but let me say a few things that have really make me upset this year. 

He made the Bantam AA team.  I am proud that he did it with all the effort he put in.  I am proud FOR him.  We have a mixed bag of players and parents.  From what I can tell, some of them have coached or managed a team so they know what it’s about.  The coaches?  Ha!  I LOVE them!  These guys have stuck together from a young age playing hockey as a family and team.  I’ve been excited from day 1 to see where we go.  That being said.... it’s been a tough one so far.

Well, our record doesn’t speak volumes of a AA Bantam team.  The boys have won one game.  

Grumblings from parents have been going on.  

“It’s everything to do with the coaches, if I were up there...”.

OR

“The kids aren’t playing as a team, they need to skate harder, if I was on the bench, I would..."

Really?  Here’s my opinion... and I really don’t care what you have to say if you are a parent on this team or any other team that isn’t as successful as you wanted.

Shut up.  Yep, I said it.  Stop trying to coach your child from the car.  Stop telling them what “You would do better”.  Stop interfering with the coaches that are TRYING their best to build a team but find it an uphill battle with your negative, destructive comments.  LET the boys learn on their own how to play as a team.  Stay positive regardless of the outcome or SHUT UP!  Ask your child what they think, how they feel.  

If your child hears what you say, they will reflect it in their lives be it hockey, school or friendships.  They are easily influenced and will more than likely start to personify your behaviour.  Is that really what you want when you exemplify that behaviour?

Ah... it’s just my opinion.  I’ll parent my child, you parent yours.  Just remember, a winning team starts at home.  

Happiness, compassion & success

I was 10 the first time I discovered it.  

I wanted a job desperately.  For independence mostly.  I figured that growing up without items that having a job would cure that problem.  A job equals things.  It also created success... right?  How about happiness?  It seemed to fit the bill.  More money, more items, more happiness more freedom.  

Well, part of this is right... 

which part?  

Let me digress

I said I was 10 when it was the first time I discovered “it”.  

I asked to get a job but was told I was too young.  So, I went over the the local pool and asked if there was a volunteer group I could get involved in.  There sure was and I plunged in with two feet.  Millwoods Rec Centre.  I helped with a few events, ending up with the Halloween party.  

What is “it”?  Happiness.  

I discovered that what I did, I did it without pay and it gave me something I enjoyed doing, completely.  

Before all this, my mother had made a choice to help out the less fortunate by giving the only thing she had.  Hope.  

She had fostered children for 10 years.  It wasn’t the typical foster home though.  She opened it to children in emergency situations.  For 10 years, I saw children come and go in various degrees of life stages.  Some I thought I’d never encounter.  Although I didn’t understand some of it, the lessons I gained were something you cannot be taught in school.  Compassion.

Years later in my life, through my own personal journeys I discovered the last.  These past 24 years, being a mum I drew on the happiness and compassion and raised two wonderful boys.  (not completely on my own) but I hope that some of the choices I made came through them.  

Life isn’t about the items we gain or the numbers on our bank accounts.  It’s about the success from failures, how we come through the tough times and develop as our own people.  No matter the hardships we can face in life, it’s about the successes from the falls we should count.

Casting stones to create change

It's been a bit since I've written. Partly due to the schedule given to me by my youngest returning to hockey from a broken ankle. The other reason was the task I've taken on that is complete as of today. 

2 months ago, my son slipped and fell hard into the boards during a hockey game warm up. Now, he's not one to "cry wolf", never complains or stays down when he does fall. This time, he stayed down, he bellowed in pain while banging his hockey stick in frustration. I jumped up knowing this wasn't good. A hockey's parents fear came to fruition. 

Rushing him to the children's hospital, he kept talking himself down from the pain saying "there's got to be worse pain than this".  I keep asking him to hold on, he starts going into shock, shaking uncontrollably. Eventually, we arrive at the hospital confirming a break and surgery. The next few days are a blur and he is sent home with some new appliances which include 5 screws, a plate, a cast and a set of crutches. 

During the passing 8 weeks of healing, I discover something about my son that perhaps deep down I already knew. He would insist attending almost every game, almost every practise. Taking notes on what the team is working on, notes on other players from opposing teams and watching inspirational videos. 

What?  Inspirational videos?  

He started to come to me with quotes. Then a few videos he would tell me I had to see. My heart felt as though it was going to burst within the walls of my chest.  The biggest part of it was when he told me he wanted to share some of what he was learning with his team mates. A few games later, some time to practise and a deep breath, he gave an encouraging talk. I wasn't in the room that was filled with some 14 & 15 year old boys but I know he did as good as he wanted. 

So, I sit here curled up on a chair, writing to you, that no amount of anger from anyone could damper this feeling of joy that my heart holds. I can't take all the credit for an independent 14 year old young man but a small part of the guidance perhaps. I can say that the one thing I try not to do as a parent is to not clip his wings. 

The second part to my lapse in writing was a random act of kindness challenge. I was seeing all these different types of advent calendars. Now, I do "RAK's" often but don't think of them as out of my normal. I encourage RAK week in February but other than that, they are kept to myself. 

After watching the news though, I figured it was time to try and bring it to the forefront for 24 days. The days that lead up to our biggest holiday. One that should celebrate those closest to us.  The journey taught me many things but mostly, how much some of us aren't aware of the positive within reach. 

Both of the above things I spoke to you about circle around the feeling of gratitude. Being positive in any situation no matter the size. 

So, over your holidays, celebrate your life for today and this moment. You only have it now and you'll never get it back. Create your positive, live your feeling of greatness. 

Tell me, first and foremost what did you nail?

Sometimes, I feel defeated by simple words that are spoken.  Words, perhaps that are not meant to be said in spite, none the less they deflate the air I breathe and take away a bit of ambition that drives my happiness. 

I am not innocent of ill spoken words, nor am I clear of wrong doing myself.  However, the more life passes by, the more I learn to hold my tongue and feel the words that go through my mind before they pass my lips.  

Although gratitude is a way of life, when I lose that breath of air, the one that inflates my passions I tend to reflect on the biggest project that my life has been part of.  My children.  There is nothing in this world, at this moment that can take away the feeling of pride I carry, the knowledge that each choice I made was the right one.  There isn’t a thing in this world that could refute the simple fact that I nailed it.  

My older son, arrived when I was a young lady of 18 years.  I was determined to do it right.  I’ll admit, I fell a few times on mistakes but all in all, success shows it’s face now, 24 years later as he is discovering his life and living it. Then my younger son, whom I’ve always considered my second chance in so many ways.  I am not holding him back with my fears, rather engaging him with challenges that may have held me back earlier in life.

Sure, I’ll go to work and have a few words spoken to me that, may or may not have been intentional.  I am not the president of a company nor am I the Queen of England.  I am and will always be first, a mum.