Gains and losses

It has been a few years since I’ve written here and what a ride it has been thus far.

I use to think life couldn’t become any more and here I am.  My 2 boys grown up with their wings spread, flying on their own. My life, turning and developing tremendously.

In 2018, life presented itself with opportunities of growth, which is why I stepped back and thought creating a new life in non profit was the direction to go in.  After all, my heart is complete when in the service of others. A gift granted to me from my grandmother.  I quickly found out over the following years, giving back had more to do with my life rather than trying to do it while trying to make a living.  Sometimes, doing both doesn’t work out.

2019 came with further challenges with losing one of my older brothers and dad.  Both men had a world of impact on me, more so now that they are no longer physically here.  Each day, I count my blessings of the time given, the lessons taught and the opportunity to keep their lives going through my actions.

I am not one to sugar coat it but will tell it honestly and fearlessly.

To my darlings, with whom I have given my life, my boys who own my heart.  I will always be your mum.  You will have gains in life and some won’t come easy.  Do them with courage and pride.

Promise yourself that when you lay your head down at night, rest it in good conscience.  Believe that every thing you’ve done was with the best of intention and no matter how far you may fall, you can always try again tomorrow.

Your losses, at times will feel as though the weight is unbearable but know, I will always be there to help carry some of the weight even if I’m not beside you.  Know that it is okay to be sad, it is okay to worry but always know, it will pass.

I’ve seen you take your first breath, your first step.  Hear you speak your first words and seen you taste the fruits of your hard labour.

Watch out for pebbles that will help you build your path, listen to your gut and do something amazing that surprises yourself.  Be brave and have faith.

Love always,
Mum

something to read..

I have been fortunate to been blessed with 2 children, albeit they are both grown up, what I see in them is beyond any thing I could have imagined.  

That being said, it was no easy task.. to be the one in their lives that would try and set an example.  

Life and some choices we make, are not always easy but if they are right, then you know you are heading in the correct direction.  

A few years back, my younger son told me something that tossed me off for a wee bit.  

While out with our pup in the neighbourhood where we lived at the time, our discussion focused about what to confess and when.  He asks me to recall that he takes an extra sandwich to school.  I respond saying "yes, but is it because you play sports after and need the fuel?"  

His response floored me. 

"Mum, there is a boy in class who his mother doesn't prepare lunches nor does she stock his home with much food, I take an extra sandwich so he can eat too."

I was floored.  He had been doing this for a few months now, without a word to me. 

Do I own much?  No.

Do I have much?  Yes.  

Fortune isn't about what you can hold with your hands but it is what you feel in your heart.  

Another turn..

I've been writing here for several years, all events based on my personal life, experiences.  I may not be as frequent lately but I am still writing.  The path has changed a wee bit and I'd like to invite you to check out the new blog.  Just a few entries but it still is, based on kindness, love and compassion.  

Thank you to everyone who has been reading and following.  

Love,

Nicole

We all know that one person - Speak your kindness

Lessons

Lessons I've picked up..

1. Your opinion of yourself is important. Are you proud of you? Did you do the right thing? Can you do more?

2. Things will hold you down. Let them all go. You WILL feel lighter. Clutter is just something you have to clean or dust.

3. If you have a child in your life, remember they will be watching. Be the best you and they will be better.

4. Watch the sun rise, drive somewhere out of the city lights to see the stars by yourself. Take a trip alone, even if it’s somewhere close. Watch the sun set in peace, quiet and find the peace within.

5. You have two jobs. One is to pay for your living. (to pay bills and to sustain yourself) However, your other job is what you do for a life. Find that and you’ll discover who you are why you are here.

6. Trust in yourself and what is happening. We may not know what is going on or why but I’ve seen things that have changed me and there is no going back.

7. Gratitude is the most powerful emotion. No matter how difficult the journey can get, I always give a moment of gratitude for all the positive moments in life.

Why don’t you share your life experiences? Moments that have changed you for the better, moments that have given you strength, moments that gave you gratitude and moments that have made you just a wee bit wiser.

Evolution

Back in 2012, when I started writing here I didn't know if I'd publish the blog to be public.  It's come from quite the start, where when sadness enveloped me and I didn't know where my life was going.  I figured at the very least, this would be a living story to pass on to my children so they would one day, understand who I was, how I became and where I left them.  I was on the verge of letting life go.  

After some time with a therapist, talking to friends and family, I discovered that the guilt I was carrying, wasn't my own.  That the fear I had come so familiar with, didn't control my life.  Like many, the egg shells I had walked on for so long, were about to be discarded and life as I knew it would be turned up side down, all within my control and choices.  

In 2015, I made a choice to change.  I made it so that not only could my children see who I had become from life's circumstances, but who I wanted them to see when I became an older woman.  Someone I wanted them to be proud of.  I dug myself out of a hole and repaired my own wounds.  I use to feel pity and now I feel pride.  I use to feel a lot of things that I don't know how to describe, but I know for certain they no longer exist and I am, a much different woman today because of my past.  As odd as it may sound, the struggles, they made me stronger, even when I couldn't see past the darkness. 

I've been recently re-reading a book that taught me quite a bit.. "Tuesdays with Morrie"  Today's chapter caught my breath and brought me back here to write.  

"sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel, and if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you 're in the dark.  Even when you're falling."

Why do I reference this?  When I choose to change my life and it's direction, I had to trust.  I trusted the friend who found us a home.  I trusted the stranger who bought the groceries for us, I trusted friends who offered a hand and I trusted myself.  

Life doesn't always just "happen" but it evolves.  We change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not.  It's too short to live it without eyes wide open, in my humble opinion.  Grasp it, take it and love it and trust.  

Be thankful

Recently, I was traveling on public transit, blessed with the ability to do so safely and while doing so, I have time to reflect.  I have become part of a larger community of kind and amazing coworkers. 

Their life experiences have been shared with me time and time again, while no one being saddened by them, knowing without the experience they may not be as grateful for the life’s they’ve lived.

With that, some may feel let down by a higher power that some have faith in. Feeling that perhaps they were forgotten. 

Let me tell you.. my love, you were never forgotten, in fact the experiences you've had were the ones that have guided you and have been part of the path you are on.  One day, you'll look back and see the strong person you've become because of all of the experiences life has given you.  

Don't be angry, be thankful.  

Simple facts on living with less

To start off with, I want to be as truthful as possible as to why I live the way I do now.

On November 17, 2015 I left what I knew as my home.  A place where I lived.  At times, it kept me dry and sheltered from the exterior storms.  I was provided with food & clothing.  Along with many other things that filled that place, I was given many opportunities to experience life.  What I did not do, was live life.  

I was surrounded by SO many things.  None of which, fulfilled my soul or healed my heart.

I discovered after returning to work full time years before, that I had lost touch with who I was and had become someone I didn't recognize.  Not knowing who my friends were, other than the select few I confided in while I started the journey to change.  

Firstly, I no longer wanted to beholden to another for a gift.  I had to question the purpose to the gifts, and to question the reason I would also accept them.  Every time I returned to these, I shuttered as they were not who I wanted to resolve this world in.  I knew that every moment that I was living, I was suffocating.  

Returning to the beginning, when I left in November of 2015 I did not take much.  I laugh at myself now with what I took.  Some kitchen knives, bowls, photo's, clothing.  Nothing of consequence.  Not the $500.00 bottle of wine, or the wine fridge that housed the wines.  I left the plates that seemed to hold more value than the guests they were intended to serve.  I did not take items of financial value, as they did not ever belong to me.  They were owned by the purchaser, which I was never.  

So now, my life does not hold many items.  Everything that I have purchased to this date, holds a purpose.  I've stopped spending money on things as they are just that, things.  When my body decides to leave and my soul goes onto the next chapter, all that I own will become nothing more than a purpose for another.  To make someone feel safe, to show them they were loved and to do the job they were intended for.  Nothing more.  

I've discovered, the emptiest place can hold a thousand items.  I'll never return to this and promise to myself to live life.  Open to each opportunity that is presented to me, with the best of intentions.  I'll never expect anything in return for a gift, nor will I make anyone feel smaller than me.  I am, after all, human.  

Their basic needs..

My children, although not young any longer, have always been the focal point in life.  When I was 18, I choose to give birth to my first, one I hadn't planned for as I was still a child in some eyes myself.  

Being determined to raise him, irrespective of support from others at the time, it became a goal.  I knew that, being the parent, I could help shape this young person to be whoever they decided.  I knew that my choices, would influence theirs.  I put life on hold, my dreams aside to start with theirs.  

My perspective was, not that having a child was a burden but a chance to do something good in my life.  I wasn't always making the right decisions but I did learn after each mistake.  Just as my first child turned 10, I was given the gift of a second chance to do it again.  I wanted this opportunity more than anyone could have imagined.  

What have I learnt over the past 27 years of being a mum?  

There is NO greater gift than to give life to another other then to teach them to fly.  From their first roll over, to the moment they take their first solo trip away.  You want them to learn independence so they become confident young adults.  

The hardest part of being a parent isn't about trusting them, but trusting everyone else around them.  If you've taught them right, you'll know they will do what is right.  It is just difficult to teach your kids there are others out there with a lesser moral compass and they will have to stand up to them.  

The sound of laughter from a child is the best you will ever hear.  You know 100% for certain, they are happy and, happiness is good.  Laugh with them when you get a chance.  

The perspective of your child under 5 will teach you more than any educational institution.  For example, my younger son had a tooth pulled, in the process they froze the area around it.  When we left the dentist, I let him know he was drooling.  He looked at me and said: "Mum, it's not drool.  They froze my mouth, remember?  It's just defrosting." 

Keep an open mind.  Although I do not always agree with specific terms, phrases or words, sometimes they are necessary to learn.  Teach them to be selective on these and show them the power of a term, a word or a phrase so that when it's necessary, they can be used with the right audience to give the most impact that will be a positive moment.  

Listen.  Carefully to what they are saying and how.  Our children don't know how to communicate as we didn't before we went through experiences.  They will struggle with how to express their emotions so give them time, teach them patience and empathy by doing this.

Help them build their toolboxes with strong values and morals. Give them a sense of security with your relationship so they feel safe enough to tell you all they need to when it's necessary.  

Teach them how to apologize and when to accept one.  When I'm wrong, even with them, I apologize.  I tell them exactly what I feel I did wrong and ask them how they feel about it.  I've encouraged my boys to acknowledge when someone, including myself makes the acknowledgement that they've made a mistake.  It's not okay, please don't say it's okay, just say:  "Thank you."

Give them strength.  Teach them to stand up for themselves.  Not to lash out when they've been hurt & to to take moments to breathe, moments to reflect and moments to know when right is right and when wrong is wrong.    

Give them the ability to sympathize and empathy.  When they see someone who needs help, teach them to give a hand up.  Lead by example and give them the opportunity that each moment, no matter how hard, is a moment to learn.  Even if it hurts.

I could keep going on...

With love,
Nicky

3 grateful moments

I spent the day today laying in bed today, due to a set back in my physical health.  Not to worry, just a slight cold that set in my chest which left me voiceless, to some, this would be relief (slightly smirking).  None the less, I spent the day letting my body recuperate and heal.   

While resting however, my mind wanders.  I would share with you moments of gratitude from this life in hopes that when you are feeling down, you find yours.

Gratitude moment one:

Recently, selling one of the two vehicles we drive in our home we've now become dependant on one between us both.  In this, myself feeling vulnerable, I begin to live again.  As I just digressed from the objective here, to share gratitude let me explain. 

To be given a moment of self discovery and faith again. 

Many moons ago, I gave my trust to another, it tore me apart.  Looking back now, even if it was a hard lesson to learn, it taught me to trust myself and to learn to trust others again.  

Going forward on this, I've been taking the public transit to work.  This gives me the opportunity to see more.  The exposure is mind blowing.  

Gratitude moment two:

As I travel back and forth on public transit, I see kindness.  An abundance of it.  More than I had anticipated.  I've been given the moments to share it as well.  My faith in humanity is stronger now that it has ever been.  Bus drivers helping the ones who need it by offering free rides, hands and words of encouragement.  Truly, this is breath taking when one witnesses it.  

I may not be comfortable with chatting to everyone but when a moment comes, in breaths of kindness only, I speak my mind, hoping to encourage another to make a step towards faith of human kind, a better place.  I know it exists as I see it daily.

On to the next..

Where I work, my extended family (coworkers) are bloody amazing.  I mean, kick ass kind.  I've had a few jobs but this.. tops it all.  The common goal is to help.  I recently read the book "Braving the Wilderness" by Brene Brown she comments about belonging:

Gratitude moment three:

I've just reflected on my work place and extended family.  At this moment in life, I finally feel true belonging.  Being accepted and to be given the opportunity to grow with like minded people.  

Irrespective of how long this lasts (as we all know life changes) I feel at peace.  I've shared more, grown more and become more in the past few years than I could have ever imagined.  

I hope you do too.

Ubuntu - I am, because we are

I work at this amazing place, where my co-workers are blowing my mind.  Not only is the cause something that is close to my heart but the outcomes are substantial.  However, this isn't about where I work but those around me.  Because of them, I want to share with you something that is amazing.

Ubuntu - "When you are on your own, you are as good as an animal of the wild; when there are two of you, you form a community." 

I've often reflected on how I grew up, having the freedom to walk to my neighbours house and they would provide my 5 year old self with cookies & tea.  How a woman, I had never met, walked me over to the local mall and purchased me 3 pairs of shoes when I had none.  How teachers guided me, kindness was given to me as I developed and how even, in some of my darkest hours, I still grew to be a strong, loving and forgiving woman.  

At times, we reflect on the moments that could have torn us, to see how they have given us the air to fly upon.  It was with the love, encouragement and at times, discipline from others that we gain our strength.  

Ubuntu - I am, because we are.  

Thank you for my beautiful coworker for sharing this with me.  It will be something I hold close for the rest of my days.