Evolution

Back in 2012, when I started writing here I didn't know if I'd publish the blog to be public.  It's come from quite the start, where when sadness enveloped me and I didn't know where my life was going.  I figured at the very least, this would be a living story to pass on to my children so they would one day, understand who I was, how I became and where I left them.  I was on the verge of letting life go.  

After some time with a therapist, talking to friends and family, I discovered that the guilt I was carrying, wasn't my own.  That the fear I had come so familiar with, didn't control my life.  Like many, the egg shells I had walked on for so long, were about to be discarded and life as I knew it would be turned up side down, all within my control and choices.  

In 2015, I made a choice to change.  I made it so that not only could my children see who I had become from life's circumstances, but who I wanted them to see when I became an older woman.  Someone I wanted them to be proud of.  I dug myself out of a hole and repaired my own wounds.  I use to feel pity and now I feel pride.  I use to feel a lot of things that I don't know how to describe, but I know for certain they no longer exist and I am, a much different woman today because of my past.  As odd as it may sound, the struggles, they made me stronger, even when I couldn't see past the darkness. 

I've been recently re-reading a book that taught me quite a bit.. "Tuesdays with Morrie"  Today's chapter caught my breath and brought me back here to write.  

"sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel, and if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you 're in the dark.  Even when you're falling."

Why do I reference this?  When I choose to change my life and it's direction, I had to trust.  I trusted the friend who found us a home.  I trusted the stranger who bought the groceries for us, I trusted friends who offered a hand and I trusted myself.  

Life doesn't always just "happen" but it evolves.  We change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not.  It's too short to live it without eyes wide open, in my humble opinion.  Grasp it, take it and love it and trust.