Lessons

Lessons I've picked up..

1. Your opinion of yourself is important. Are you proud of you? Did you do the right thing? Can you do more?

2. Things will hold you down. Let them all go. You WILL feel lighter. Clutter is just something you have to clean or dust.

3. If you have a child in your life, remember they will be watching. Be the best you and they will be better.

4. Watch the sun rise, drive somewhere out of the city lights to see the stars by yourself. Take a trip alone, even if it’s somewhere close. Watch the sun set in peace, quiet and find the peace within.

5. You have two jobs. One is to pay for your living. (to pay bills and to sustain yourself) However, your other job is what you do for a life. Find that and you’ll discover who you are why you are here.

6. Trust in yourself and what is happening. We may not know what is going on or why but I’ve seen things that have changed me and there is no going back.

7. Gratitude is the most powerful emotion. No matter how difficult the journey can get, I always give a moment of gratitude for all the positive moments in life.

Why don’t you share your life experiences? Moments that have changed you for the better, moments that have given you strength, moments that gave you gratitude and moments that have made you just a wee bit wiser.

Evolution

Back in 2012, when I started writing here I didn't know if I'd publish the blog to be public.  It's come from quite the start, where when sadness enveloped me and I didn't know where my life was going.  I figured at the very least, this would be a living story to pass on to my children so they would one day, understand who I was, how I became and where I left them.  I was on the verge of letting life go.  

After some time with a therapist, talking to friends and family, I discovered that the guilt I was carrying, wasn't my own.  That the fear I had come so familiar with, didn't control my life.  Like many, the egg shells I had walked on for so long, were about to be discarded and life as I knew it would be turned up side down, all within my control and choices.  

In 2015, I made a choice to change.  I made it so that not only could my children see who I had become from life's circumstances, but who I wanted them to see when I became an older woman.  Someone I wanted them to be proud of.  I dug myself out of a hole and repaired my own wounds.  I use to feel pity and now I feel pride.  I use to feel a lot of things that I don't know how to describe, but I know for certain they no longer exist and I am, a much different woman today because of my past.  As odd as it may sound, the struggles, they made me stronger, even when I couldn't see past the darkness. 

I've been recently re-reading a book that taught me quite a bit.. "Tuesdays with Morrie"  Today's chapter caught my breath and brought me back here to write.  

"sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel, and if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you 're in the dark.  Even when you're falling."

Why do I reference this?  When I choose to change my life and it's direction, I had to trust.  I trusted the friend who found us a home.  I trusted the stranger who bought the groceries for us, I trusted friends who offered a hand and I trusted myself.  

Life doesn't always just "happen" but it evolves.  We change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not.  It's too short to live it without eyes wide open, in my humble opinion.  Grasp it, take it and love it and trust.  

Be thankful

Recently, I was traveling on public transit, blessed with the ability to do so safely and while doing so, I have time to reflect.  I have become part of a larger community of kind and amazing coworkers. 

Their life experiences have been shared with me time and time again, while no one being saddened by them, knowing without the experience they may not be as grateful for the life’s they’ve lived.

With that, some may feel let down by a higher power that some have faith in. Feeling that perhaps they were forgotten. 

Let me tell you.. my love, you were never forgotten, in fact the experiences you've had were the ones that have guided you and have been part of the path you are on.  One day, you'll look back and see the strong person you've become because of all of the experiences life has given you.  

Don't be angry, be thankful.  

Simple facts on living with less

To start off with, I want to be as truthful as possible as to why I live the way I do now.

On November 17, 2015 I left what I knew as my home.  A place where I lived.  At times, it kept me dry and sheltered from the exterior storms.  I was provided with food & clothing.  Along with many other things that filled that place, I was given many opportunities to experience life.  What I did not do, was live life.  

I was surrounded by SO many things.  None of which, fulfilled my soul or healed my heart.

I discovered after returning to work full time years before, that I had lost touch with who I was and had become someone I didn't recognize.  Not knowing who my friends were, other than the select few I confided in while I started the journey to change.  

Firstly, I no longer wanted to beholden to another for a gift.  I had to question the purpose to the gifts, and to question the reason I would also accept them.  Every time I returned to these, I shuttered as they were not who I wanted to resolve this world in.  I knew that every moment that I was living, I was suffocating.  

Returning to the beginning, when I left in November of 2015 I did not take much.  I laugh at myself now with what I took.  Some kitchen knives, bowls, photo's, clothing.  Nothing of consequence.  Not the $500.00 bottle of wine, or the wine fridge that housed the wines.  I left the plates that seemed to hold more value than the guests they were intended to serve.  I did not take items of financial value, as they did not ever belong to me.  They were owned by the purchaser, which I was never.  

So now, my life does not hold many items.  Everything that I have purchased to this date, holds a purpose.  I've stopped spending money on things as they are just that, things.  When my body decides to leave and my soul goes onto the next chapter, all that I own will become nothing more than a purpose for another.  To make someone feel safe, to show them they were loved and to do the job they were intended for.  Nothing more.  

I've discovered, the emptiest place can hold a thousand items.  I'll never return to this and promise to myself to live life.  Open to each opportunity that is presented to me, with the best of intentions.  I'll never expect anything in return for a gift, nor will I make anyone feel smaller than me.  I am, after all, human.  

Their basic needs..

My children, although not young any longer, have always been the focal point in life.  When I was 18, I choose to give birth to my first, one I hadn't planned for as I was still a child in some eyes myself.  

Being determined to raise him, irrespective of support from others at the time, it became a goal.  I knew that, being the parent, I could help shape this young person to be whoever they decided.  I knew that my choices, would influence theirs.  I put life on hold, my dreams aside to start with theirs.  

My perspective was, not that having a child was a burden but a chance to do something good in my life.  I wasn't always making the right decisions but I did learn after each mistake.  Just as my first child turned 10, I was given the gift of a second chance to do it again.  I wanted this opportunity more than anyone could have imagined.  

What have I learnt over the past 27 years of being a mum?  

There is NO greater gift than to give life to another other then to teach them to fly.  From their first roll over, to the moment they take their first solo trip away.  You want them to learn independence so they become confident young adults.  

The hardest part of being a parent isn't about trusting them, but trusting everyone else around them.  If you've taught them right, you'll know they will do what is right.  It is just difficult to teach your kids there are others out there with a lesser moral compass and they will have to stand up to them.  

The sound of laughter from a child is the best you will ever hear.  You know 100% for certain, they are happy and, happiness is good.  Laugh with them when you get a chance.  

The perspective of your child under 5 will teach you more than any educational institution.  For example, my younger son had a tooth pulled, in the process they froze the area around it.  When we left the dentist, I let him know he was drooling.  He looked at me and said: "Mum, it's not drool.  They froze my mouth, remember?  It's just defrosting." 

Keep an open mind.  Although I do not always agree with specific terms, phrases or words, sometimes they are necessary to learn.  Teach them to be selective on these and show them the power of a term, a word or a phrase so that when it's necessary, they can be used with the right audience to give the most impact that will be a positive moment.  

Listen.  Carefully to what they are saying and how.  Our children don't know how to communicate as we didn't before we went through experiences.  They will struggle with how to express their emotions so give them time, teach them patience and empathy by doing this.

Help them build their toolboxes with strong values and morals. Give them a sense of security with your relationship so they feel safe enough to tell you all they need to when it's necessary.  

Teach them how to apologize and when to accept one.  When I'm wrong, even with them, I apologize.  I tell them exactly what I feel I did wrong and ask them how they feel about it.  I've encouraged my boys to acknowledge when someone, including myself makes the acknowledgement that they've made a mistake.  It's not okay, please don't say it's okay, just say:  "Thank you."

Give them strength.  Teach them to stand up for themselves.  Not to lash out when they've been hurt & to to take moments to breathe, moments to reflect and moments to know when right is right and when wrong is wrong.    

Give them the ability to sympathize and empathy.  When they see someone who needs help, teach them to give a hand up.  Lead by example and give them the opportunity that each moment, no matter how hard, is a moment to learn.  Even if it hurts.

I could keep going on...

With love,
Nicky

3 grateful moments

I spent the day today laying in bed today, due to a set back in my physical health.  Not to worry, just a slight cold that set in my chest which left me voiceless, to some, this would be relief (slightly smirking).  None the less, I spent the day letting my body recuperate and heal.   

While resting however, my mind wanders.  I would share with you moments of gratitude from this life in hopes that when you are feeling down, you find yours.

Gratitude moment one:

Recently, selling one of the two vehicles we drive in our home we've now become dependant on one between us both.  In this, myself feeling vulnerable, I begin to live again.  As I just digressed from the objective here, to share gratitude let me explain. 

To be given a moment of self discovery and faith again. 

Many moons ago, I gave my trust to another, it tore me apart.  Looking back now, even if it was a hard lesson to learn, it taught me to trust myself and to learn to trust others again.  

Going forward on this, I've been taking the public transit to work.  This gives me the opportunity to see more.  The exposure is mind blowing.  

Gratitude moment two:

As I travel back and forth on public transit, I see kindness.  An abundance of it.  More than I had anticipated.  I've been given the moments to share it as well.  My faith in humanity is stronger now that it has ever been.  Bus drivers helping the ones who need it by offering free rides, hands and words of encouragement.  Truly, this is breath taking when one witnesses it.  

I may not be comfortable with chatting to everyone but when a moment comes, in breaths of kindness only, I speak my mind, hoping to encourage another to make a step towards faith of human kind, a better place.  I know it exists as I see it daily.

On to the next..

Where I work, my extended family (coworkers) are bloody amazing.  I mean, kick ass kind.  I've had a few jobs but this.. tops it all.  The common goal is to help.  I recently read the book "Braving the Wilderness" by Brene Brown she comments about belonging:

Gratitude moment three:

I've just reflected on my work place and extended family.  At this moment in life, I finally feel true belonging.  Being accepted and to be given the opportunity to grow with like minded people.  

Irrespective of how long this lasts (as we all know life changes) I feel at peace.  I've shared more, grown more and become more in the past few years than I could have ever imagined.  

I hope you do too.

Ubuntu - I am, because we are

I work at this amazing place, where my co-workers are blowing my mind.  Not only is the cause something that is close to my heart but the outcomes are substantial.  However, this isn't about where I work but those around me.  Because of them, I want to share with you something that is amazing.

Ubuntu - "When you are on your own, you are as good as an animal of the wild; when there are two of you, you form a community." 

I've often reflected on how I grew up, having the freedom to walk to my neighbours house and they would provide my 5 year old self with cookies & tea.  How a woman, I had never met, walked me over to the local mall and purchased me 3 pairs of shoes when I had none.  How teachers guided me, kindness was given to me as I developed and how even, in some of my darkest hours, I still grew to be a strong, loving and forgiving woman.  

At times, we reflect on the moments that could have torn us, to see how they have given us the air to fly upon.  It was with the love, encouragement and at times, discipline from others that we gain our strength.  

Ubuntu - I am, because we are.  

Thank you for my beautiful coworker for sharing this with me.  It will be something I hold close for the rest of my days.  

No less

As a woman, I've learnt to give my all.  

No less.  

I work hard to be who I am, every single day.  To be honest, sincere and kind.  

No less.

I live by my standards and beliefs, to bring what little justice I know around me, every little way.  

No less.

As a daughter, granddaughter, sister and niece, I will do my best to honour my family, be true.  

No less.

As a friend and partner, I will give you all that I can.  To listen, learn and love, to be compassionate caring and give you moments of laughter.  

No less.

As a mother, I will be strong, caring and forgiving.  I promise to help guide you but let you fly. 

No less.

Learn what we live

I remember, as a young child mum had this quote on the wall..

All above stated is true as we mostly carry these forward, letting them define our lives, our selves, our paths, creating the journey we go on.

I, for one can say that history repeats its self but until you recognize this, change cannot be.

There are beautiful, amazing events that happen.  Ones in small moments, where the light is brighter than we expect, the energy is stronger and the outcome is not what we anticipate.  Those you don’t want to correct but you must recognize them.  It is for those moments you will need later in life that may get you through a difficult moment.

A few weeks ago, I went to the first outdoor farmers market UIKEYINPUTDOWNARROWin Edmonton.  It wasn’t just about purchasing items for the week but having some therapeutic “in the moment” moments.  Dogs, everywhere (on leashes) and my state of “ADOD” was in full action (Attention, Deficit Oh Dog) I felt the need to touch every one that passed (but I didn’t). Then there was an abundance of wee children.  As the sun warmed our faces and the wind gently blew thru the walking traffic, children laughed.  They spoke and their innocent wee voices which  filled my heart with joy and brought me back to when my two boys were that age.  The smells of fresh baking and the small talk that came from strangers as we watched buskers perform.  My heart was filling up with an abundance of gratitude that it has not felt in quite some time.

On the flip side, I struggle daily with past events that had shaped me to become fearful and doubtful.  I know that those who have put them in my heart and mind may not be involved with my life any longer, still seem to have a bit of a hold on me.  This is where I return to the start of my entry today.

We learn what we live.

Even though I am much older, the events that I have been exposed to, even in adulthood have shaped me.  This is where I need to change.  Perhaps, there are others out there similar to me, who see the need internally but are unsure or unaware of how to do the steps to make permanent emotional change for the better.  My therapist use to say it was PTSD.  Okay, I’ll admit here that before I made a life change, I took steps to see a therapist.  I will admit it was the best thing for me, to help see past the fog and self blame.  In failure, it can be two sides.  Mostly about communication but partly to reaction.

I failed to see (yes, I’ll use failure here) that I couldn’t communicate to another about how I felt.  The fears, the doubts and mostly, to stand up for myself to say enough was enough.  My internal values didn’t match up with what I was experiencing and I couldn’t continue.

Years later, I struggle with some of the things I learnt and do not want to become those.  I’d like to explained as if a filter goes through my thoughts.  I hear a statement and two responses go through my head.  Before I spout them out I actually go and analyze who I am.

(This happens in a split moment)

My previous life, the responses wouldn’t have been what I value but as I said before, we learn what we live and we accept what is prevalent around us.  Then I use my own mind.  I know what my values are, and I say what is important to me.  Will I be okay with the words that I say?

It is a daily battle to become who I want to be.  I fight with the past words that were used to describe me.  Worthless, stupid, unable, incapable... and many others.  There are times when I am given a simple task and the weight of those words completely stop me from moving forward, freezing me in a place I don’t want to come out of.  The weight of the words would physically stop me in my tracks.

I stop and breathe..

I take away the strength of those words..

Reflecting on a moment where my heart was full and life returns.  I become a wee bit stronger, when I win against those tiny words.  I am not owned by them nor will I let them become me.

Life is full of moments, good or bad.  Our reaction to them will help shape our paths.  Use the strength of positive moments, to tear down the words we give power to, take back ownership of your life and become.

Feel the warmth from the sun and gain strength from the positive around you.  Live in the moment of warmth, love, abundance and laughter.  

From the ashes

Often, we may curse our failures or the moments in our lives that have hurt us the most.  Many times, we give them power to tear us down further, bringing us to a point of anger, despair and grief.  Emotions that are not easily built from.  

Have you ever noticed, the people that choose to be happiest, may have been the ones that have fallen furthest?  Why is that?  They choose not to take the harmful emotions to walk on, but the emotions of gratitude and faith.  

We can shake our fists at the faith we live on or we can hold our hand out to the faith, trusting in what is in store for us.  

It's not easy, believe me.  Some of the hardest moments in my last few years have been exactly this.  Trusting what is in store and trying to life fully without the feelings of anger, despair or grief.  Still, I choose to live happy, even if at times, my faith has fallen.  

From the ashes, I will still rise.  Each moment, each step, each breath I take will bring me to somewhere I cannot imagine and I look forward to the journey, no matter the outcome.