3 grateful moments

I spent the day today laying in bed today, due to a set back in my physical health.  Not to worry, just a slight cold that set in my chest which left me voiceless, to some, this would be relief (slightly smirking).  None the less, I spent the day letting my body recuperate and heal.   

While resting however, my mind wanders.  I would share with you moments of gratitude from this life in hopes that when you are feeling down, you find yours.

Gratitude moment one:

Recently, selling one of the two vehicles we drive in our home we've now become dependant on one between us both.  In this, myself feeling vulnerable, I begin to live again.  As I just digressed from the objective here, to share gratitude let me explain. 

To be given a moment of self discovery and faith again. 

Many moons ago, I gave my trust to another, it tore me apart.  Looking back now, even if it was a hard lesson to learn, it taught me to trust myself and to learn to trust others again.  

Going forward on this, I've been taking the public transit to work.  This gives me the opportunity to see more.  The exposure is mind blowing.  

Gratitude moment two:

As I travel back and forth on public transit, I see kindness.  An abundance of it.  More than I had anticipated.  I've been given the moments to share it as well.  My faith in humanity is stronger now that it has ever been.  Bus drivers helping the ones who need it by offering free rides, hands and words of encouragement.  Truly, this is breath taking when one witnesses it.  

I may not be comfortable with chatting to everyone but when a moment comes, in breaths of kindness only, I speak my mind, hoping to encourage another to make a step towards faith of human kind, a better place.  I know it exists as I see it daily.

On to the next..

Where I work, my extended family (coworkers) are bloody amazing.  I mean, kick ass kind.  I've had a few jobs but this.. tops it all.  The common goal is to help.  I recently read the book "Braving the Wilderness" by Brene Brown she comments about belonging:

Gratitude moment three:

I've just reflected on my work place and extended family.  At this moment in life, I finally feel true belonging.  Being accepted and to be given the opportunity to grow with like minded people.  

Irrespective of how long this lasts (as we all know life changes) I feel at peace.  I've shared more, grown more and become more in the past few years than I could have ever imagined.  

I hope you do too.

Ubuntu - I am, because we are

I work at this amazing place, where my co-workers are blowing my mind.  Not only is the cause something that is close to my heart but the outcomes are substantial.  However, this isn't about where I work but those around me.  Because of them, I want to share with you something that is amazing.

Ubuntu - "When you are on your own, you are as good as an animal of the wild; when there are two of you, you form a community." 

I've often reflected on how I grew up, having the freedom to walk to my neighbours house and they would provide my 5 year old self with cookies & tea.  How a woman, I had never met, walked me over to the local mall and purchased me 3 pairs of shoes when I had none.  How teachers guided me, kindness was given to me as I developed and how even, in some of my darkest hours, I still grew to be a strong, loving and forgiving woman.  

At times, we reflect on the moments that could have torn us, to see how they have given us the air to fly upon.  It was with the love, encouragement and at times, discipline from others that we gain our strength.  

Ubuntu - I am, because we are.  

Thank you for my beautiful coworker for sharing this with me.  It will be something I hold close for the rest of my days.  

No less

As a woman, I've learnt to give my all.  

No less.  

I work hard to be who I am, every single day.  To be honest, sincere and kind.  

No less.

I live by my standards and beliefs, to bring what little justice I know around me, every little way.  

No less.

As a daughter, granddaughter, sister and niece, I will do my best to honour my family, be true.  

No less.

As a friend and partner, I will give you all that I can.  To listen, learn and love, to be compassionate caring and give you moments of laughter.  

No less.

As a mother, I will be strong, caring and forgiving.  I promise to help guide you but let you fly. 

No less.

Learn what we live

I remember, as a young child mum had this quote on the wall..

All above stated is true as we mostly carry these forward, letting them define our lives, our selves, our paths, creating the journey we go on.

I, for one can say that history repeats its self but until you recognize this, change cannot be.

There are beautiful, amazing events that happen.  Ones in small moments, where the light is brighter than we expect, the energy is stronger and the outcome is not what we anticipate.  Those you don’t want to correct but you must recognize them.  It is for those moments you will need later in life that may get you through a difficult moment.

A few weeks ago, I went to the first outdoor farmers market UIKEYINPUTDOWNARROWin Edmonton.  It wasn’t just about purchasing items for the week but having some therapeutic “in the moment” moments.  Dogs, everywhere (on leashes) and my state of “ADOD” was in full action (Attention, Deficit Oh Dog) I felt the need to touch every one that passed (but I didn’t). Then there was an abundance of wee children.  As the sun warmed our faces and the wind gently blew thru the walking traffic, children laughed.  They spoke and their innocent wee voices which  filled my heart with joy and brought me back to when my two boys were that age.  The smells of fresh baking and the small talk that came from strangers as we watched buskers perform.  My heart was filling up with an abundance of gratitude that it has not felt in quite some time.

On the flip side, I struggle daily with past events that had shaped me to become fearful and doubtful.  I know that those who have put them in my heart and mind may not be involved with my life any longer, still seem to have a bit of a hold on me.  This is where I return to the start of my entry today.

We learn what we live.

Even though I am much older, the events that I have been exposed to, even in adulthood have shaped me.  This is where I need to change.  Perhaps, there are others out there similar to me, who see the need internally but are unsure or unaware of how to do the steps to make permanent emotional change for the better.  My therapist use to say it was PTSD.  Okay, I’ll admit here that before I made a life change, I took steps to see a therapist.  I will admit it was the best thing for me, to help see past the fog and self blame.  In failure, it can be two sides.  Mostly about communication but partly to reaction.

I failed to see (yes, I’ll use failure here) that I couldn’t communicate to another about how I felt.  The fears, the doubts and mostly, to stand up for myself to say enough was enough.  My internal values didn’t match up with what I was experiencing and I couldn’t continue.

Years later, I struggle with some of the things I learnt and do not want to become those.  I’d like to explained as if a filter goes through my thoughts.  I hear a statement and two responses go through my head.  Before I spout them out I actually go and analyze who I am.

(This happens in a split moment)

My previous life, the responses wouldn’t have been what I value but as I said before, we learn what we live and we accept what is prevalent around us.  Then I use my own mind.  I know what my values are, and I say what is important to me.  Will I be okay with the words that I say?

It is a daily battle to become who I want to be.  I fight with the past words that were used to describe me.  Worthless, stupid, unable, incapable... and many others.  There are times when I am given a simple task and the weight of those words completely stop me from moving forward, freezing me in a place I don’t want to come out of.  The weight of the words would physically stop me in my tracks.

I stop and breathe..

I take away the strength of those words..

Reflecting on a moment where my heart was full and life returns.  I become a wee bit stronger, when I win against those tiny words.  I am not owned by them nor will I let them become me.

Life is full of moments, good or bad.  Our reaction to them will help shape our paths.  Use the strength of positive moments, to tear down the words we give power to, take back ownership of your life and become.

Feel the warmth from the sun and gain strength from the positive around you.  Live in the moment of warmth, love, abundance and laughter.  

From the ashes

Often, we may curse our failures or the moments in our lives that have hurt us the most.  Many times, we give them power to tear us down further, bringing us to a point of anger, despair and grief.  Emotions that are not easily built from.  

Have you ever noticed, the people that choose to be happiest, may have been the ones that have fallen furthest?  Why is that?  They choose not to take the harmful emotions to walk on, but the emotions of gratitude and faith.  

We can shake our fists at the faith we live on or we can hold our hand out to the faith, trusting in what is in store for us.  

It's not easy, believe me.  Some of the hardest moments in my last few years have been exactly this.  Trusting what is in store and trying to life fully without the feelings of anger, despair or grief.  Still, I choose to live happy, even if at times, my faith has fallen.  

From the ashes, I will still rise.  Each moment, each step, each breath I take will bring me to somewhere I cannot imagine and I look forward to the journey, no matter the outcome.

Insclusion

Growing up in a diverse family where I have 5 brothers, 1 sister and a constant flow of foster kids in and out for over 10 years, I learnt the definition of altruism, empathy and inclusion, only by living.  

Moving forward..

During the past weekend, I volunteered in our City's Pride Parade walking beside a float.  It was my first opportunity to be exposed to this amazing event.  

I had to giggle internally as I discovered that at the best of times, I am truly an introvert, only exposing my quirks to those I feel most comfortable with.  Which seemed to come out quite comfortably.  

As I was walking along the float, I became present.  Paying attention, outwardly to those who were cheering us on.  Getting into a groove of being surrounded by so many variables, possibilities of exposure to my fears, I cheered on those who where there to celebrate freedom, love and inclusion.  

One of the girls in the crowd that I "high-fived" caught my attention.  I took notice to marks on her arms.  I can only assume (which I dislike doing) was due to her cutting herself or being cut.  I can't say this for sure but it struck a chord in me.  I wanted so desperately to run back, give her a hug and tell her how beautiful she was and how perfect she is at that very moment.  That no human could possibly put value on her other than herself, that she was exactly where she should be at this very moment.  

Returning to the beginning, I learnt at an early age through life experience that, we must accept another for who they are, give them, what we can of ourselves.

Learning about altruism, empathy and inclusion, is only done when you experience life, being present in the moment.  

I wondered why I was placed here, what my purpose is.  I may not know 100% sure but what I do know is that I'll keep on learning to become a better person.  I challenge you to do the same.  

To live simply..

As time goes by in life, I learn a lot about myself, others and.. adaptation.  

(Ad.ap.ta.tion -The action or process of adapting or being adapted.)

I'd like to say that it's been easy but that wouldn't be the truth.  

The truth is, somedays are more difficult than others.  There are days that I internally fall to my knees and sob uncontrollability, with more questions than I have answers.  I want to withdraw, become one and try to reconcile what tosses within my head and heart.   

I cannot tell you that life isn't worth living if we don't have these moments.  It is from those, we can choose to learn, grow and become stronger 

or.. stay where we are.

I've chosen to live.  Not just simply though.  I've chosen to be happy with who I've become, with the choices I've made and I can look back at the almost 50 years and know, I am not perfect but I am perfectly me.  I don't know everything, which is why I choose to live.  I want to know more, learn more and become more.  

Life will suck some days.  Today however, I will make the best of what has been thrown at me and be grateful for the good, positive loving moments I am blessed with.

There are two guarantees you will learn.. 

Life happens, death happens.  What you do between those moments are in your control.  

Credit

Firstly, when I see this quote I often think of those who are strong enough to stand up and make a change, in the darkness, when they feel most alone. 

It was then, I realized that the credit wasn't given to where or who it was due. 

Personally, I should have stepped back ages ago, to see that at times, I could have given myself credit for the parts of my journey I felt were a struggle but worked through them.  I started to reevaluate life to see how overcoming the tough parts, in the moment, I should have given myself credit.  

As many do, I have doubted, feared and sabotaged many opportunities due to not accepting credit from myself, to myself.

I am no different than you.

Take a step back and from things, breathe in and reflect.  From your life's challenges, have you given yourself credit for what you've over come?  The fears you've faced in the darkest of places, when you feel the most alone?  You are the one in the arena, you know both victory and defeat.  You will be okay.  

Being present

I've actually written many times in the past few weeks but stopped myself from posting.  I wasn't quite present enough to send out some positivity and gratitude.  

I will be the first to admit that my life isn't perfect.

however..

What I do is try my very best to be present in the moments, even in a tough moment. 

Seeing the birds fly free, watching a tree take life after the harsh winter, listening to the chatter at a local farmers market and breathing in air, which after all, provides life.

I am grateful for the small moments, for they help overcome my challenges.  Those sights, smells and sounds make my heart a bit softer, a bit bigger and a bit more open to gratitude.  

Take a moment today, be present and let go of what you cannot control.  Do what you know is best, putting your foot forward and smile.

Love always,

Nicky

Your life resume - being a Mum

If you are unsure of what this is, let me clarify.

A resume is a document that holds your life's history on what you've accomplished with your education, where you've worked and all of your successes.  Near the bottom, you'll typically put in your "personal interests" 

This is where I want you make a change.

Your resume reflects more than all of that.  It should reflect who you are and what you've become.  It should reflect your values, and personal beliefs.  Why?  Because I do NOT want you to compromise who you are and hide your beauty.  

Who you are and your strengths are NOT determined by education or employment.  Those two items are defined by your choices and life's path you've walked.

Irrespective of my education or accomplishments, I am first and foremost, Nicole.  My values are as such: (learnt from my personal journey)

Treat others the way THEY want to be treated.  This reflects on their culture, faith and the amount of love their heart is capable of holding or giving.Anger is an unworthy emotion.  I'll walk away from anything that causes me to think about anger, feel anger or see anger.  It can suck the life from you when you give into that emotion. Secondly in life, I am a mum and a VERY proud one.  My two boys are these amazing human beings that have become, or are becoming more than what they know.  If I knew then what I know now about being a parent...  well, I actually wouldn't change a thing.  Whatever I did, the contribution I made in their lives, has worked out pretty good.  

This has been my greatest resume entry to date.

Thirdly, I am a strong compassionate woman who will proudly wear these rose colored glasses.  I will always have faith in people and situations.  I've seen people become better after making some horrendous choices and, I've seen some amazing things come from difficult situations.  Where kindness has exposed itself when anger and resentment feel stronger.  

Taking off all the education and work experience and say this;

Nicole
aka: Nick, Nicky, Mum.

Relevant experience:

Raised:

Children - 27+ years

Dogs & cats - 40+ years

Grown:

Flower beds (Assorted) - in ground and raised

Vegetables / Fruit - Such as: Corn, potatoes, peas, beans, hops, strawberries.

Ability to:

Deflect, divert and change an opinion by being honest and positive.

Strengths:

Love, Compassion, Empathy, willing to help anyone, anywhere.  Can make a complete stranger laugh in a moment, Open arms for hugging and plenty of space in my heart and head to listen.  Give me a room full of people and I'll have you cheering when I'm in my grove.

Weakness:

My kids, our family, good, honest and kind friends. Warm days with sunshine, walks alone, softness, tenderness & genuine laughter.

We cannot take a home, car or ring to the grave.  What we leave behind is our biggest legacy and I couldn't be more proud to put all of this in my resume.