What does it take to be a man?

Yep, I just asked that... I didn't raise a child to find out he doesn't have what it takes to be a man.

What does that mean?  

The opinion of some people I use to talk to;

"A boy should fear an adult, it's how they learn respect."   "A boy shouldn't cry or show his emotions."  "A boy should be treated like a king by many women at one time."   A story told to one of my boys .. from someone who thought it was a joke, about a young bull and an old bull.  The young bull wanted to run down a hill and mate with one of the cows... the old bull responded with "no, let's walk down and mate with them all."  *(in case you are wondering, the word "mate" is used in replace of what the other person felt was acceptable to use) 

I sat there, my jaw down quickly correcting this, scolding the man who thought it was funny.   I shake my head knowing full well what is out there, wondering if those who teach their boys these principles .. do they have a daughter?  If the answer is yes, I fear for their daughters safety.  

I constantly stand with a picture in my head.  I'm in a box, with a bat leaning outside ready for me to use.  The box represented how some men see a woman.  Kept.  The bat represented what I would use to knock those comments out.  

What does it take to be a man?  Here's my humble and honest opinion. 

A man WILL show his emotions and all of them, without hurting anyone around them, being honest and humble.  

A man WILL treat a woman as he treats his mother.  (Hopefully with respect and love and not out of fear.)

A man WILL not connect fear with respect.  

My mother instilled in me some strong beliefs.  If I were blind, could I judge someone by their color?  If they bled, would it be the same as mine?  Yes.  

I hope that I've instilled enough in my children to be better than me.  To become a good, strong men who love openly, respects and not encourage fear.  I hope my 2 sons have compassion and love, understanding and empathy.  If my life were to end today, I hope I've left this world a better place by crawling out of the box and using the bat.  

Better yet, let's stop using "to be a better man" and start using "to be a better person".  

This moment

Live in this very moment.  

Be as present as possible and with as much gratitude.  If you don't, the worries of tomorrow and the regret of yesterday will weigh you down and keep your mind going at 2 am.  

Live truthfully.

Stop denying what is happening.  Start facing the truths, no matter what they are.  Good or bad.  If you aren't being authentic with yourself, doubt will creep into your mind with everything that is around you.  Guilt will tear you down faster than anyone or thing ever could.

Give with gratitude.

Don't look for what's owed to you.  Nothing is and life will only happen when you decide to take control.  What is around you & who is in your life.  If you don't like it, then change it.  Start giving without any expectations and you'll see things change.  I'm not talking about physically but what's inside you, it's called perspective.

Take time for yourself.

Read.  Walk.  listen to your heart.  Love yourself as you are.  We aren't here for long so enjoy the moments alone and the quiet that surrounds you.  It's an amazing thing!  

Share your story.

Our lives are connected more than you know.  We all are on a journey in life and when we see that others are living in a similar pattern, we feel connected.  It helps the rough times feel easier, it helps us understand what we are going through and teaches us empathy.  

So live, in this moment.  Love this moment.  Be grateful for this moment.  Be authentic to yourself and above all, love who you are.  

Value that holds no monetary status

Time and time again, I'll find myself in a moment where my thoughts would be best written here.  I have to chuckle though, as those thoughts come when I'll be at the least opportune moments that a pen or keyboard are not available.  Thus, my posts can be a bit scattered when I finally sit at this desk.

Which brings me to this.  

The events that have unfolded this past day, week, month & year have ran through my head, most recently due to my birthday.

I'll sum it to value.  

In the past, being much younger than I am now, I would place value in how I saw something, what I held or how others saw me.  As you know, when we age, we experience life and learn that value isn't something one can hold but something one feels.  

The value in another, the value in ourselves.  

It no longer matters what I hold as I know it will fade away.  I no longer hold value in what another may think of my choice in actions as it has no power, thus no value.  I dare to choose who I am, not with reckless abandon but with pride, knowing they are my own with the value I put to them. 

The value of life alone is priceless... the value of the love from another, cannot be bought, borrowed or stolen.  It is, and always will be something, given from choice with trust and love.  This is what I've found this year.  That value holds no monetary status but one of unconditional love, support and understanding.  

Finding your purpose

Many times over the course of my life, I've asked or have been asked this question, that until now, I couldn't answer.  

What is my purpose in life?

Was I to be a mum?  To be a sister?  An aunt?  That defines me as a person perhaps by relation.  I ask myself daily though, why am I here?

Life has a funny way of showing you things as you live.  Let me say that again, LIFE has a funny way of showing you what you need to do when you live.  

Living isn't just about the air you inhale, the food your body needs for fuel or the clothing on your back to keep you warm.  I'm talking about the experiences that have shaped you or will shape you.  

Our journeys we travel will be part of who we are or will become.  Good or bad, easy or hard, they are in our lives to teach us, to make us stronger.  This is what defines us.  

What is our purpose?  

To take what has defined us, what has made us stronger to show others how to overcome what we have.  

The survivor shows another how to become.

The lost shows another how to find their way home.

Whatever you are facing in life right now, don't feel it's the end.  Don't give up.  There will be a solution to this, it is your task to search for the answer and then..

Give it purpose.  Give yourself purpose.  

Why kindness?

It's a story simply put.  A young person feels down but looks up.  They see someone in need.   They put aside their own worries for another.  Lost in the moment, listening to another persons story, they forget their own.  After some time passes, they get up and go back on their path.  For a moment, this young person may reflect on what just happened, they may even reflect on what is going on in their lives, changing their perspective.  

The one they helped, may not ever forget the moment someone saw them for who they are, human.  One in need.  

The next day, this young person chooses to do another act.  They keep their eyes open, even if they are dimly lit with their current life experiences, they still choose to watch for another opportunity.  

Why?  It actually helped them and deep down, they know this.  

How?  Perspective.  

We all know life ebbs and flows.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The choice is still ours though.  To make a difference in our flow.  How do we recover from something that can tear us down or how to enjoy the ride when it's feeling like we are at the top.  

I've learnt to observe.  To love life, no matter how tough.  I know the energy that comes with life and that I will give out what I want back, no matter how bad or ugly.  Just give me a moment when things are down but believe me, I'll be back up and running in no time.  This is why I choose kindness.  There is this infinite power in kindness, something I cannot explain.  Something that is more powerful than hate, more powerful than anger and something that no matter what, will help you too.  Kindness is it's own energy.

Why am I choosing to describe the person in this as "young"?  Let me share something amazing with you.  My son, my partner, a friend and myself were serving dinner outside at our local homeless shelter.  Something we try and do on a monthly basis.  While my son and partner were helping my friend to her car, I went to grab mine.  As I approached my friends car, I looked over to my left.

There was a young man, no more than 20, layering a blanket on another who was clearly unable to stand.  This young man who was trying to help would have been labeled in public as possibly a gang member, someone who was wearing his hat backwards, pants lower.. but here he was, caring for another and not caring about what was going on in his life.  My son, got into the car and said "Mum, did you see that? We should get a photo."  

I responded by ... "darling, sometimes, these moments need to be kept in our memory and perhaps not sharing a photo of what we saw, gives another dignity and pride."  

He understood.  What is more important?  My young son, saw the gift of kindness.  He experienced the moment where giving was better without expecting anything in return.  

Live your most authentic life starting today

2016 came and went like a breath of air.  

A big, deep down, lung filling, and ever so present breath of fresh air.  One that, when you exhale slowly makes you feel fresh and new.  This is what it was for us. 

I made some drastic changes in 2016 without any plans or idea of how it would turn out.  For the first time, I took a step, when I didn't see where I was going.  It was based on faith.  

Once I discovered that I no longer needed a plan and to trust in faith, I started to believe I could do something more than what I thought possible.  

Now a year later, after a deep, lung clearing, life changing breath I am not exactly where I imagined I'd be, but better.  

Perhaps, just perhaps when we learn to let go of the stigma which is built into society that success is defined by what others see, we learn to be happier, live a  more fulfilled life and decide to put value into something that will sustain us much further than we ever imagined.  

I challenge you this year to make some changes that do not involve obtaining a thing.  Perhaps, being in the service of another.  Putting your wants and desires far, far back and making a choice to change.  If possible, you may find that one small act, the happiness you are so desperately searching for, will find you.  

Happy New Year my friends.  May you discover love, happiness and live the most authentic life you have ever lived.

How to remove toxic from your life

Daily, we look around us and try to avoid toxic intakes such as processed foods, air or bodies of water that are uninhabitable.  Why would we allow toxic relationships in our lives?  

I can tell you that, most of us, over a period of time become numb to our surroundings.  We accept what we live with, work with and play with.  We become what we accept in our daily lives, some call it comfortable. 

For many years, we've accepted what is unacceptable.  We've allowed and laughed at jokes which are sexist, racist, hateful and truly not funny, nor should we tolerate them.  Part of the issue is, we do not know how to tell someone that what they've said is truly unacceptable.  How is that possible?  We are living a life now where we are aware of the toxins around us, like I said above.  Smoking or inhaling secondhand smoke.  Foods that have been prepared and can go for days, weeks or months before going bad.  What about water that has been mistreated with trash or chemicals, which we drink?  We all know those are bad and we are, for the most part making conscious choices to not take part of this.  

but.. when we hear another berate someone for being a woman, being of a specific ethnicity, being gay, or even being too thin, why do we laugh at it?  Why is it "OKAY" to say "she deserved it?" Or having a different skin tone makes one lesser of a person, or that it's not normal to want to be with someone of the same sex or even your body size?  

I've developed the best of friends with a man who had discovered "what true love is" after he's told his family who he truly is by "coming out".  I've had friends who have loved deeper and truer that are of different ethnicity and show me what "real" is.  

I have also had men and women also show me what hate is.  
It doesn't matter what they do, who they are or where they plan on going.  I have walked away from a large part of my life due to the opinions of others and where they should be.  

I now stand for who I am and what I believe in.  

For example, you were born into a Catholic family.. my guess is that your chosen life will become one that reflects your family.  Your parents are, your grandparents are.. you will be.  Don't get me wrong, if your choice doesn't hurt anyone then it's in my humble opinion that it can't be bad. 

The tough part is, when do we, as growing people learn to make a change that reflects ourselves without the fear of letting those who we love the most feel let down?  Is this where it starts?  

Having 2 beautiful boys who I love dearly I do my best to direct by example how to be a better human.  Not attending a church in a building but I'll give thanks daily for the gifts that I receive, calling this my daily gratitude.  Then doing my best to give back.  Writing about this from time to time on social media to encourage others to do the same but daily, mentioning to my youngest as a reminder; "do something kind for someone today." And you know what?  Most days, he comes home beaming proud of something he did.  

My next step in life is to teach them that you will get back what you put in.  Not just with general life but in school, with relationships and respect.  Some days it may not seem to be that clear but most days, hearing about how things happened even if they were not a success, how it can be done better next time.  We talk and sometimes, a lot.  Even if we don't agree, encouraging a healthy conversation is key.  My favourite ones are when I see my error and apologize.  I know it sounds odd but I'll take full handle on that opportunity and use it to teach him how to accept an apology instead of saying the typical; "That's okay."  Because, sometimes, it's NOT okay.  

I may not be the perfect parent but I'm trying to teach my boys not to accept the toxic in their lives before they think it's normal.  

Time passes and does heal wounds

A year ago today, I made a life changing decision.  It took all of me to step into the unknown, with the unconditional support and love from family and friends.  

Perhaps, a journey that I metaphorically saw as monumental, as my personal belief was diminished to something smaller than I had ever imagined in the last 20 years.  This was my mountain to conquer.  


6 months after, I took the journey to do another.  I traveled on nothing but faith and determination to learn that my internal strength was solid.  

I took a path up a mountain and I saw things I had never dreamed of.  I did things I lost faith in, all while doing this alone.  Finding that, no matter the voices that use to be inside my thoughts, creating doubt now screamed louder telling me; you can do this!  
I got to the top of my hike, sat in solitude and cried while I took the deepest breath I've had in my entire life. 
Last weekend, almost 1 year from my life changing decision, 6 months from my journey to prove my personal worth, I choose to share it with someone who values me for who I am.   

Today, it's been 3 months of rediscovery of faith, love and trust in another.  Sure I wear rose coloured glasses, I will always have faith in human kind, to do better, become wiser and love deeper.  I won't live with regrets.  We should not accept anything less than to be treated like a person, no matter our gender, colour race.  I see beauty in flaws, I see strength in the meek, I see love in the lost.  
This man has volunteered has with me, sang with me, laughed with me, cried with me and shared life with me.  More than I ever expected, more than I anticipated.  I've learnt to give without expectations, live life without wants and to see value in the smallest of things.  Today, is the first day of the rest of my life.  

A simple glance

I don't know what else to say.  Every day, I am asked; "How do you find happiness?"  and I can't explain what I've been given.  

I suppose I've read that those who go through tough moments in life, learn to love the smallest of gestures.  I don't know how to compare my past journeys to another but I do know the ones I've travelled on have given me the strength to see a brighter side in life.  

I've not experienced a war but I've experienced emotional bombs and explosions.  I've not experienced the life of a prisoner but I have been locked away with my fears and doubts.  I've not experienced famine but I've experienced a life without love.  I've not experienced homeless but I've felt alone.

We all go through the toughest of times, of fear and anger.  One of resentment and hostility.  Those emotions, I never want to feel again.  

I've also seen the brighter side of life.  I've seen a smile creep across one that has nothing when we've made eye contact.  I've hugged a soul that desperately needed to feel loved.  I've given my time to another when they felt nothing was left.  

What I've asked for in return?  Nothing.  What have I spent?  Not a dime.  What's made me happy?  Knowing that a small gesture has given someone a wee bit of hope after a long, tough go at it.  Even if, just for a moment.  So what have I invested to make my life better?  Simply put, I've invested the most valuable commodity I hold dearest to me.  My time.  I've only received the most valuable thing in return.  Love, appreciation and acceptance.  What have I needed all my life?  Exactly those 3 things.  What makes me happiest?  Knowing that, without costing me a dime, I give.  Completely and without regret.  

I cannot tell you how to find your happiness, you have to find it.  

I've let things go in life, that I refuse to give the most valuable possession to.  My time.  I'll give it to another who, without expecting gives back by a simple glance. 

A blank page

Each day, we wake with a blank page to write on. 

Before you plant your base on the ground, open those eyes and take a moment to take it in.  Inhale your first breath of the day and make a choice to paint the blank page with what you want it to become.  

The most important journey we will take is the one for ourselves.  Know that, all of us are going through a similar journey, a journey to find our truth, who we are and what makes us happy.  

Plant your feet firmly on the ground and make the choice to live with each moment you make.  From the first words muttered out through your lips, to the ears of the person who hears them.  

Start to say no, but yes for what you stand for.  Be true to yourself, not the one who tries to paint you for who they think you should be.  Stand your ground and celebrate what life means to you.  To create, to feel valued, to love and to change.  Celebrate your authentic self because every night, you go to sleep with who you truly are.  

Go ahead, paint that blank page the colors you want.