Being a parent

To any of you thinking of having a child or to those who have already started..

They are not a possession or yours forever. 

They are part of you but giving birth does not give you the rights to do with them what you choose, or when it’s convenient.  To give birth, life, to another soul is the biggest responsibility of yours.

If you make the next choice to raise them, you must  do so with full consciousness, knowing that what ever actions, or reactions you have will be affecting them for years. Essentially, this life you are bringing into our world is a blank canvas and you are the artist. It seems quite overwhelming but take a step back for a moment.

This gives an opportunity to be aware of yourself.  No longer seeing life through a tunnel that circles around you.  As it is no longer black and white and in this moment you realize you have to step up into the role of the care giver and stop being the receiver.  Yep, you may actually want to head fully in front of imminent danger for another’s life. That’s what happens.

My mind shifted that way over 26 years ago.  The tough part though?  When I had let my kids choose on their own (even if I thought I knew better, or if I felt like being that protective momma who wanted so badly to run, jump and protect), I knew I had to learn to trust that I have given the kids the right tools to build with.

I’m not talking, building a house, rather saying, the tools to stand strong in moments where their values were pushed and their beliefs where questioned.  I talk to them as much as they allow me, letting them know I love and accept them completely and ensuring they can trust me 100% so that when the time comes, I’ll be here to catch them again, if needed.

Remember, being a parent isn’t about you and your needs.  You choose to give life to another. Your job is to help paint this amazing portrait of a human.  Then, one amazing day, they ask you for the brushes to finish the job you started.

That’s when you know ... it will be okay.

When you are ready to refill

In this life, I see many ups and downs.  Some, I can have control over or better yet stating, input on the outcome.

I have made comments about my children, who have been the core of my existence but tend to forget about the one that I need most.  Myself.  I  need to make sure that I am able to be happy, strong and healthy for them and even my partner.  

In order to be those things with myself, I get up and reflect on the previous days opportunities and what lays ahead of me.  What can I do to make things better?  I acknowledge that it has to start with myself.  No matter what I see in the mirror, I have to work with.  No matter the inner battles I have going on, I need to reconcile them daily.  

Did I make a good choice as a human, a parent or a partner?  Did I make someone feel down or put them in a position that I wouldn't want to be in or did I help raise them up to feel confident to make a decision to make their lives better?  How can I make today more successful than yesterday?  

It's always a choice.  

Today, I found myself creating a quote that I will reflect on daily.  

"I don't see the cup as half full or half empty, I see the possibility to refill it when I'm ready."  

I cannot control what another will do with their time, words or actions but it's my reaction that I will hold myself accountable for.  With that said, I will respond when I'm good and ready.  

Go and take care of yourself.  Believe things will become better by the choices you make and your reactions you must learn to hold yourself accountable for.  

My beliefs

Let me get something straight.  

I do not follow any faith other than my personal experiences.  

What do I know?

Kindness is a general aspect of my life.  I give without expecting anything in return.  Although, they say to treat others with the expectation that it will be returned.  That's not always the truth but I know this.    

Faith is something I've been exposed to my entire life and until recently, I didn't see how having some gave me more than I anticipated.  I believe things will be okay, regardless of the situation we are in.  I have seen low times but in those low moments, I still have gratitude and in the darkness, the light will reappear.  

This leads me to Gratitude.  Every day, when I get up I write in a book that was given to me a few years back, a few words, thoughts and reflections of what I have.  They aren't possessions but moments.  I am grateful for the rain, for my breath, for my mind and for my soul.  I am grateful for my children, for those who love me and mostly, for each opportunity I am given to give back.

Do not discount the small things in life.  Kindness, faith and gratitude are the things that I can keep, give away or reflect on that make the day worth another step forward.  

In your moment, where does your breath go?

In a moment,  your breath can be taken away without warning and discrimination.  This breath seeker feels no remorse and takes what it needs, when it feels necessary.

It can start as early as the first one you try to take when you enter this world and can happen until you leave.  What is this?

It's called life.

The first instance a breath is taken away was when you have been brought into this world.  Irrespective of the need or perhaps the want, your life was given and their breath was taken away at that exact moment.  When you learn how to walk, your breath goes from your lungs, escapes your lips and you grasp at the nearest item to hold for safety and security.  We travel through live this way.

We choose to hold on to things for security and without knowing it, these things embrace what we run from.  What we need so deeply in life.  To keep our breaths for safety.  Without knowing it, we give away our breaths for the sake of what we think is safe and good, letting go of the ability to trust ourselves and to have faith that it will be okay if we are taking the steps in the right direction.

I challenge you today, in this moment, to grasp what is around you and give it all of your being.  Love what you are in, what you are doing completely and embrace what it is that you love most about it.  Even if it's tough, even if it brings you tears, even if you don't think you can make it to the next breath and that you've given it all you can.  I challenge you to find the good, the right and the positive in the moment and to surrender all that you have.  

When we make the choice to be aware of what is around us, we live life completely.  I mean, as authentically and with all the awareness as we can.  So choose, at this moment to wake up, live life and be as honest with yourself as possible.  Breath and keep those moments.  

Forgiveness and healing are choices

In the mist of a personal conversation last night, I gasped for air as I disclosed and discussed some private information about my past.  Discovering that it didn't hurt (the past) but the fear of it being used against me as my ex had done, came to discussion.

As a young lady at the age of 10, I was sexually abused by 2 family members.  This is a raw conversation to have for myself.  Not the actions or results of the abusers but the fear of it being used against me was greater.  

I was asked why..

I had been in a relationship for many years and it was used against me.  How, you ask?  

Because I forgave them.  All of them.  

Why did I forgive them?

While doing my personal recovery before going to court at the age of 16 to charge them, I did a lot of reading and discussing.  Mostly though, listening, to other survivors.  The constant thing I heard was, their abuser was abused.  In that, I found my strength to try and help stop the circle.  History repeats itself right?  

At the young age of 16, I had pressed charges and they accepted guilt, admitted and ..

they went to counselling.   

Now, almost 30 years later I am a much stronger woman, however, the last few years have been a struggle to see it, until now.  Until this conversation.  

My ex use to say after one of many tough moments, "how can you forgive them but not me?"  I always felt he was holding this over my head and I felt "obligated" to do so as his actions were not as "horrible" as theirs.    

Regardless.. I figured out last night my "why" to the forgiveness and it's already been stated here.  

They, with the help and guidance of the court and councillors choose to change.  To stop the pattern and to try to become better.  

As for my ex?  He still doesn't understand why he's that.. my ex.  It's not my battle but I'll say this, until one sees their own errors, the path remains the same and history will repeat itself. 

How did the conversation end last night?  

I was asked, "how did I possibly forgive?"  My reply..

"They wanted to heal too."  

Before you..

I figured it out..

Those who lash out, need to find acceptance.  

Those who are bitter, need to find gratitude.

At least, I think I've figured part of life out.  It's psychology.  The opposite in some cases are true.  When a person acts out in a behaviour you don't find acceptable, they are in need of something and are not sure how to ask for it.  

What we tend to do in protective mode is lash back or out at the one that is lacking the ability to communicate.  

Next time this happens, take a few things back..

Your step, your breath and your thoughts.  

Don't make a move until you've evaluated the situation.  Do this not only for the other person, do it for your sanity.  Do it for the simple fact that you don't want to own the hurt you put on another.  

It's what you give..

When you've been facing something terrifying, take a moment to recognize that you, are facing something terrifying.  Something you didn't want to or believe you could face.    

I want you to know that no matter what someone gives you, it's something you can take.  You are capable of changing the outcome and making a difference in not only you life, a life of another. 

When I started to volunteer at Hope Mission, downtown Edmonton, Alberta, I went to lose myself.  Among those who didn't know me.  I went to do what I knew best, be in the service of another.  

Not that I'm tooting my horn, that I've always gave, heck as a young woman I wanted more than I was given.  As many young adults do.  

That being said, I learnt that expecting something without giving, was the first lesson.  I had to figure this out on my own, without my grandmothers or mothers guidance.  Gram would tell me, "There is no better way to feel youthful than being in the service of another", mum taught me that what I learn from giving is something that can not be taught in any institution.  
So I ran away to lose myself at Hope Mission, helping others that needed more than me.  Even if I had to go to the food bank to feed my son and I, budget even the gas I used to and from work, I needed to do something to help me see what I had.  

I may have been faced with a life change, bigger than I thought I was capable of but I did it.  In the process, I showed my kids an abundance of things.. At least I hope I did.

Have faith.  In yourself and in others.

Believe.  It will be okay and will work out. 

Trust.  The path you've chosen is the right one for YOU.

Give.  It doesn't matter how little you have to give, do it anyhow.  Even the smallest acts of kindness, in service make a difference.

Don't give up.  Move forward.  Because moving backwards never heals.  Lose yourself when you are in search of yourself and you'll discover more than you ever thought possible.  

A funny end note.  I met someone just over a year ago.  One of our first dates was to Hope Mission.  I wanted to see what type of heart they had.  The response proved to me what I wanted in a partner.  I am full of gratitude daily for making the choice to be around people who are like minded.  

Enjoy the link to one of the songs on my inspiration list. 

Incredible by Celine Dion and No-Yo

*Please feel free to comment on the blog, I'd love to hear feedback!

Your 3 loves

In a multifaceted society, we want others to have the same perspective as we do, yet each of us holds our own differently by our experience.  

For example..

A woman who has chosen to live a life in a direction that she sees fit, may not be one that society believes, is.  

A child who choses a path they are happiest with, may not be one that a parent would have chosen for them when their birth arrived.  

My point is, we cannot gage success or normalcy based on what others perspective is.  

Here's my input.. right or wrong.

I've come to see that how I choose to live my life, if I am happy then it's right for me.  At this moment in time.  I'll be blessed if I have the support of those around me that I respect and love, however if not, I have learnt to be okay with that too.  In the end, my decisions are that.  

My values on love, from what I've learnt are these.  (take from it what you may, it was a life I've lived and from this, my values have come.)

1. Love truthfully.  

When I say this, I want you to understand that you need to love yourself truthfully.  Every morning, walk up and look in the mirror.  Acknowledge who you are physically, spiritually and emotionally.  Be okay with that moment.  Be ready for change and accept the challenge that goes alone with those changes, then, with acceptance, work hard.  Love every moment truthfully.  

1. Love unconditionally. 

When you love someone, what is the purpose?  I ask this as many believe when they love someone, it's for themselves.  The other person fills a need, and it's usually for your needs.  However, have you loved someone as they are, without expectations or limitations?  Without feeling that you will benefit from them being in your life?  Giving without wanting anything in return from them.  Take a moment and see what you are giving and not what you are wanting.  Someone shouldn't complete you, rather, you are okay enough to love them without a need to fulfill.  In turn, this love you receive will be the greatest.

3. Love honestly.

Saying that, I want you to know that loving honestly doesn't mean hurting someone when you speak truths but loving honestly enough with yourself that you know your limits.  You can love someone who can be abusive but your limit on loving them shouldn't be at the risk of a life.  You should try and always be honest, revisit those terms and stand your ground, no matter how shaky it may seem.  

Success, should not be measured by a stick, a book or a box that was designed by one person for one person.  This is like trying to put a circle in a square.  They don't work and perhaps never will.  Be you.  Be your strong, confident person you were given life for.  

Through the value of life, you must value yourself.  Give to yourself the worth you are, and then, live it truthfully, unconditionally and honestly.  These things will come back to you when you start to open up to the possibility that you are perfectly you.