My mothers day homage

With mothers day fast approaching, I thought I would do a wee write up on my mum.  You'll wonder where I'm going when I start, but understand when it's done.

When I was a young lady, I was angry with her.  She abandoned me when I thought I needed her most.  She was selfish.  She was weird and embarrassed me.  

Although I craved the relationship I saw other friends had with their mothers, I felt I had to prove a point.  To myself, to her, to others.  I just didn't talk to her anymore.  

Years passed and my selfishness started to fall to the wayside.

Now, in my mid 40's and starting a new chapter in my life, my eyes are more open that ever.  This is what life experiences give you.

Mum, 

Thank you.  Thank you for pushing me to be on my own.  To learn to raise my first child and discover what unconditional love is.  Thank you for NOT helping me raise my kids.  I learnt that I can and I did!  Thank you for showing me to do what I have to, when I need to.  

Thank you for being selfish.  You showed me it's okay!  I can go to the gym without feeling guilty.  I can think of myself first sometimes, no matter what.  

Thank you for being weird, to show me embracing my inner weirdness is okay and my friends will love me regardless.  More importantly, to love myself.

Mum, thank you for letting me cry, so hard I sobbed uncontrollably safely in your arms.   Be angry, so much that you sat back and just listened, told me it was okay to feel anger but to let it go.  Laugh at the silliest things.  I mean, laugh so hard I lost my breath, snorted and peed a little.  

Mum, thank you for letting me be selfish and loving me so much that it was okay to come back to you.  

That you understood,

every.

single.

moment.

YOU making sure I knew it was okay to come home.  

Mum, thank you for teaching me to be the most amazing mum to my kids.  

How do labels and parenting go hand in hand?

While parenting for the second time in my life (the boys are 10 years apart) I've discovered that many of the labels I had as a child, I put on my first.  All due to my life experiences growing up.  

Don't talk to many in school.  Don't share who you are with anyone.  Don't, don't, don't.  Why did I use that word the most?  Fear.  I automatically installed fear into my first son due to what I went through, what I was afraid of my son going through.  Not that life was horrible but like many children, I faced some adversity as we moved often.  Again, I labeled what my son would be like from the get go.  

After watching what happened, I choose not to let that be the case for my second son.  The last thing I wanted was him to become what I disliked the most.  Not just to become what I feared but what what society and other internal influences could shape him to be.  

For example, if a child grows up in a family where they feel it's okay to eat specific foods or behave a specific way around a gender type they will become that.  They will continue on the pattern they think is the norm.  (shaking my head)  

So, I choose to teach my child to be as independent as possible.  I'll give him the tools to choose, show him how to figure out right from wrong by teaching him to trust his gut.  We talk, discuss, ask questions and investigate.  

Don't think my first child doesn't know what the heck is going on though.  ha.. he's one fantastic young man who, may not know this but I am pretty damn proud of.  Not only did he break through the labels I started to put on him with my fears but he smashed them with his goals by succeeding.  

Now, with my youngest, I've seen him face adversity with peers, in situations where he's needed to hold his ground, speak his mind  (even with me and even if he thinks I'll be offended) and I am, over the moon excited to see where he chooses to take things with his life.  He WILL be successful, just like his older brother in whatever he does.  

Do you think that labels have a part in parenting, dang straight they do!  Just be careful .. kids learn what they live.  I remember my mum having this up in the house as we grew up... 

What is it?

She couldn't describe this excitement bubbling over from deep inside.  It's created something not anticipated.

A few months back, taking a leap of faith, making change.  It was the most terrifying thing done.  So much that she had to hide herself from the world for a short time.  Afraid that everything she was told was right.  She can't, she wasn't able and she shouldn't.  Then one day...

She did.  

She was told she can't .. but did.  

She was told she wasn't able .. but did.

She was told she shouldn't .. but did.

Then she started to take a step forward, letting things go.  Not being the person she was just a few days before.  Falling down, she didn't have much faith that she could get back up but .. she did.  

Deep breaths, she pushed herself out and started to let things be again.  Every single day became brighter, each breath, easier, each moment, lighter.  

What was it she was feeling?  Overwhelmed with gratitude, she wanted to pin point "it" A new passion, drive and even perhaps reason to get back up.

Everything just started to be okay.  Funny, she thought, how words can have the most control over you, can create who you are, what you become and how your life is determined.  

The key is to wake up out of someone else's perception of what life should be and start living it yourself. 

She started to hear the birds sing again.  Breathing deeply, filling her lungs completely without feeling smothered by doubt.  Finding passion wake from deep inside, discovering this feeling comes from not one soul other than herself.  More importantly, she was finding how to be happy again.  

That feeling you gain from learning you can, you are able and you did.  Happiness makes one bounce when they walk, glow from inside, drives passion, creates strength for others. 

She saw the light and went to where it felt warm.  The truth is simply, to find happiness you need to look within.

Welcome your imperfections while finding yourself

When we are a young soul, the lessons taught to us from every aspect is to be perfect and accept nothing less from anyone else. 

From our family, all aspects of media and of course our peers.  

Just look around you.  The standards are so high that we feel they are the norm.  A girl should have a size 4 waist, long hair, educated, willing to sacrifice almost everything to obtain a family and a home well worth more than what we could imagine.  Start with that dream wedding you had as a young girl.  Come on, let's get real.  A dress you wear for one day, that will, more than likely put you over the thousands in debt yet it's stressed that this item is a must.  

I shake my head.

Then for the men.  You are expected to provide for a partner, your children while trying to live a life with a smile of perfection.  A house, car, memberships... UG, this drives me crazy! 

Why is it that we MUST put labels on things, create a life of unhappiness that stems from society's expectations.  Where did this start and where will it end?  Happiness isn't created from Hallmark but from the moment you let go of the value in "things" and place value in people around you, of course the most wanted commodity, time.  The one thing that cannot be bought, replaced or stolen.  It's something that is given away, at most times, freely.  

So where do I go from here in regards to finding imperfections and yourself?  

Stop judging and stop worrying about being judged.  Take a step back and look at what's really important.  What can you take to your grave, what will be your legacy?  

The only person you need to impress in life is yourself.  You have to wake up each and every single morning, look in the mirror and face what you've done the day before.  Face where life is going and where you want it to be years from now.  

Stop expecting perfection, from yourself and others.  Start accepting your imperfections, live life to it's fullest and find yourself.  That is when happiness truly begins.

Make yourself whole first

Starting over in life, regardless of what it's from can be a difficult task.  We often let self doubt creep in and look for others to help us heal, help us move forward, help us close doors.  What we forget is that these are things we can do (mostly) on our own.  Don't get me wrong, I went to counselling for almost 2 years before I made a change.  The key was, to talk.  Open up and discuss what was going on.  She listened, asked me questions and let me come to my own conclusions, my own decisions and my own changes.  She didn't save me, I did.  

Today while talking with a close friend, I discovered something about myself, that perhaps I knew was there but didn't see it.  

Melissa was struggling with a relationship that's coming to an end.  She's completely in love, head over heals but, it wasn't right.  Not at the moment, not for either of them.  I was saying that it's okay to see it as grief, you truly are losing a part of something you hoped would be more.  Something that you thought would bring the best of you out, which truthfully had started.  

Where we went was much further though.  Love isn't about finding someone to save you.  It's not a knight in shining armour or a life long therapist.  It won't be someone who "completes" you, however they will complement you.  Never settle for anything less.   

Love is someone who accepts you whole heartily as you are.  

So, we talked about starting with ourselves.  Working on making things better as an individual, finding out the real "you" and making that happiness come out.  Once you start, this light grows.  It truly is amazing.  I've seen it in myself and I see it in others.  Like waking up and saying, "I've got this" without needing another to do it for you.  

When sad thoughts come in, (and trust me, they will), replace them with what you've accomplished so far.  That you are an amazing mum, friend, sister, aunt, daughter... that you've been good to yourself.  You are a fantastic person who has done this and will get even better.  

My personal journey to date has given me an abundance of self worth, faith and strength I never knew I had.  Just remind yourself daily how far you've come.  

No person (man or woman) has the authority to treat any of us any less than what we are willing to surrender to.  So get out there, enjoy life and trust me when I tell you, the right person will happen at the right time, when you are ready.  Make yourself whole first.  

Make it worth every moment

How to start laughing again?

Let stuff go.  

Really.  Stop thinking about the past, any hurts, angers or issues.  

Just stop.

Live in the moment.  Whoever you are with or will be next, laugh.  Look at them right in the eyes and ask them something that will toss them off their feet.  Really.  

Jump in the car and going for a random drive.  Outside your home town, city.. wherever.   Just go.  

Breathe.  

Stop holding your breath and anticipating what may happen.  Just breathe.  

Stop having expectations.  

Nothing will ever be exactly as you picture it in your mind.  That's the beauty of not having expectations.  You'll start to let go and then .. WHAMMO, something amazing WILL happen. 

Learn something new.  

There are many opportunities out there to learn something new and I'll promise you, most are free.  

Are you aware that outside the door is this amazing place called earth that is covered with more kind people than hurtful, angry people?  

Stop worrying about what others think.

It may sound easier than it is but trust me when I tell you, stop worrying about what people think.  If you are happy with what you are doing, who you are then it doesn't matter.  

Volunteer, hit the public library, talk to a stranger, befriend your parents or grandparents, smile at a co-worker, walk by yourself, read a book, share your story, be yourself and most importantly, live life.  You only have one shot at it.  

Do it yourself

The finish line does not exist without some cheering.

There was no motivational speaker, no power song.  There was not a soul to tell you could do it.  

But you did.

I was at the gym a few weeks back.  After my swim, I noticed a young girl by herself.  She was walking slowly to her locker.  Head hung low.  I recalled how I saw the kids leaving from swimming lessons when I arrived in the pool.  I wondered if she was part of that group from almost an hour prior.  

"Were you in swimming lessons?" I asked.

"yes" she responded.

"Did you pass?" I asked

"No" She responded.  

I thought about this for a moment.  

"Can you keep your head above water?" I asked

"Yes" she responded

"When I was your age, I never took a lesson but I still come swimming.  I watched how people swim and learnt."

She looked at me and smiled.  

I told her, it's not always about getting the badge, it's about how we learn.  She carried on with a smile.  She's crossed her start line.  

I was there once, as you are now.  We all have to begin somewhere, we all have to start to believe in ourselves, to become our own motivation, our own song.   

Take a moment to write to yourself.  Goals and beliefs.  Tuck it away and start to work at it.  Do your goals at your pace, no one else's.  In time, when you've finally reached your goal, look back at what you wrote.  You'll see how far you've come and that you did it, yourself.