When the sun shines...

It feels as though so much has changed since my last posting.  Mostly my grandmother's passing.  I'm aware that I'm not the first to lose someone, nor has she been the first i've lost.  Her life was the example of what to be as a person.  I'm quite certain that she's made mistakes but all in all, I hope to live somewhat like she has.  No matter what was going on in her life, she was the first to let you know that someone out there has it tougher.

Through out all of this, my constant has been my mother.  Surprising to me, she has been one who I could gain strength from.  

Going forward, today was a big lesson for me.  Enough to drive me back here to write about it.  As a young girl, I was abused.  Today, I spoke to one of them.  

He's currently mentally challenged and that is due to the drug abuse he chose to use to get away from what happened.   Today he asked me to forgive him from the past and that he was sorry I am the way I am, he felt responsibility for my life now.  

I told him that my actions I choose now are my own, not based on something that happened when I was a young girl.  He smiled and actually looked as though some weight was lifted.  It wasn't about forgiveness but about letting him know my actions were not a result of his.  They are my own.  

Then I realized  that I owned my life now and no one else.  

How to raise my children - Part 1

I suppose that when I was given the choice to have my first child I didn't think about what I did and how it would affect them.  I was just going to give it my best shot.  After the first couple of months with Michael I started seeing this life as it's own and not mine to live through but one to help mold and shape with my hands.  Birth is one thing, child raising is something completely different.  More importantly, it can shape us as people as well.  

I figured, why not try at this?  What not give it my best?  After all, I had no idea if I was going to be given a second chance.  Don't get me wrong, being a parent is one of the hardest things if not the hardest things you'll do as a human.  

Like any parent, I didn't want to make the same mistakes mine did.  I wanted to improve, I wanted to treat this like a mini classroom.  Day by day, I would take advantage of situations and use them.  I remember wanting to dislike his father for not giving him the love and attention he so deserved.  I took that and taught him never to keep your anger towards someone and keep in deep within your heart.  I let him know that when you do, that other person controls you.  When he was given an apology, I taught him to truly accept it.  It couldn't be "oh, that's okay" or "don't worry about it".  He had to learn to say "thank you".  Something I needed to learn.

When he was faced with adversity in school amongst his peers, I taught him to know that it's okay to be who you are, not everyone will accept you.  You have to be okay with yourself and that's all that matters.  There is no other "you".

When it came to treating others, that came naturally.  Michael is kind, thoughtful and when he finds his desire a very hard working person.  He has learned to laugh with people who care enough for him.  He's developed into his own person with some guidance from myself and luckily a few other good people around.  

When he was given the opportunity to grow in a job as a young man, we pushed him.  He started in one which wasn't suited then another which we saw him change.  I suppose I taught him, any job no matter what is a job of importance.  It gives us more worth that we know but it teaches us all what we are made of.  

Not knowing when or why

It gives me great pleasure knowing I was given a choice.  When you look back in a time of your life, you will see those window's of opportunity where you've been given a choice.  At the time, we may not have been aware of the option but simply made the choice.

We need to offer that option to our children.  We can show them but let them choose.  One thing we all have in common is we strive to be better than our parents.  What place are you in now and what choices will you give your children?  

The choice to choose religion?  The choice to their future life job?  Their spouse or quality of life?  I am for all of those.  It's time we stop expecting our children to live our lives, to let them take the keys to their car and drive the path they want.  Trusting them but guiding them along the way.  

Keep in mind, guiding them isn't the same as steering them.  Guiding them in the healthy and safest direction there is.  Nurturing their strengths and helping them find a balance in their weakest places.  Knowing that it's okay to be who they are, feel what they feel and love them regardless.  

That's what I know about being the best parent for my 2 boys.  

Teaching the future

The rate of survival today for children, teens and young adults isn't posted.  We hear about what makes the news big.  How one makes it past the age of 20 is beyond me some days.  I watch the news and it hardens my heart.  Greed, anger, gluttony & so many other issues make it beyond personal struggles on a daily basis.  I have friends with struggling family members from all ranges of issues from emotional, financial or physical.  All which effects each of us on a personal level one time or another.  Government invests in what helps them get ahead, what is best for their ego or what makes the headlines.  I have yet to see the government invest in the future, our children.

I've said a few times how many siblings I have, what issues we dealt with and how we did.  Events each of our pasts have shaped us as people but to look back and reflect on how they did is another side.  Each day events change us, shape us and determine the course of direction our lives go.

I listened to 630 Ched the other day with Primo and Gross commenting about "legacy" and how many generations will remember who you were.  I believe it's our choice to determine how long we are remembered by.  Perhaps not as a person but perhaps by actions.

For example, do you know anything about Hitler other than he appeared to be rather insane?  About what he chose to do?  I don't.  Perhaps it's due to the fact that my education only went into the hard facts that effected others in such a large scale.

I believe we need to invest more than money into our future.  I've read somewhere that we get what we put in.  If I were to take more time to explain political science to my children would they have the drive to go in that direction?  What about finance?  Would that teach them more on how to be financial savy?  Of course it would!  Our children feed on attention.  I enjoy the moments alone where I discuss both issues.  I want my son's to be aware and know what they need to know.  I want them to develop back bones and to know how to say "NO" and how to accept an apology.

I try my best to feed my son's the hunger they have to learn.  Regardless if it's from planting a vegetable garden to minding their finances.  I am helping them build their future and their successes, I am investing in their future.  My question to you, are you investing in someone else's future without spending a dime?  It actually might save their lives and the lives of others.  You never know where one starts but you may always know where one ends.

2013 already.  Where has time taken us?  As far as I'm concerned, too far into the future.  My grandmum has passed.  Arthur jr. has become taller than me.  Michael is in a wonderful relationship.  Some days are harder than others.    

Life does not stop for anyone and time takes us into the future without choice.  I suppose we have to embrace change regardless of the outcome.  

The snow is still here however spring is around the corner and everything is itching to bloom.  I am grateful for the return of warmth and lazy days.  

Being around friends with different outlooks supports my own.  I've learned that it's OKAY to think differently than me.  Yes, that's an admission, I'm not always right.  I love life, learning and trying to accept.  I've found out that judging others is the same as throwing a rock from a glass house.  Shame on my younger self.  *as I laugh at myself daily now*

Life is simply a journey in which we are given the gift to live, learn and grow.  We cannot choose when it's over but we can choose how we live it.  

Time brings insight

When I was a child I would often replay the day's events in my head and try to see how to change the outcome.  Instead of choosing the path I did, I would look back and think... if I went this way and said that... this would have happened.  I think that's early insight.  I remembered how things turned out and tried my best not to make the same mistake twice.
 That being said, I have carried that through my life as an adult.  I speak my mind (thanks to Judy), I am honest (thanks to my grandmother), I wear my heart on my sleeve (thanks to my mum), I stand my ground (thanks to my dad)

Some people have been afraid of me while some laugh.  I'm okay with both.  Once you get to know me, accept me and stop trying to change me it works.  If we take what we have as a child, remember what it felt like to have that innocence and then enjoy the moment you'll see what I see.  I try not to take for granted what gives me joy so why are you doing that?  Start with the simple things.  Like taking a moment to lay on the grass in your yard, gazing up into the sky and forming something with the clouds above you.  Or as complex as your emotions.  They  can give you joy as well.  Once you own them.  Once you know why you feel that way.  I am 40 now.  I can look back and laugh, cry and be angry at myself.  I also forgive myself along with others.  I can't change what's happened or why but I can change the outcome of what will happen with how I am feeling.  Everyone can.  If I wake up in the morning all pissy and not willing to cooperate with others then I will get it slapped back into my face.  However, choosing the opposite the same will come to me.  

I choose the good morning... I choose the good response.  If I can choose, then I know I have the control.  

Saving graces

The first experience I had was when I was young.  This came to me unexpectedly and it saved my soul.    I can vaguely see her face but I was about 10 or 11 years old.  She knew what I was going through but couldn't confirm it.  I'm sure she saw my courage when I faced those who taunted me.  She showed me that I could do it.  She was my teacher and she taught me well.

Others that i've seen, met and still have in my life.  Denise is one.  She knows that no matter what, I'd be there for her.  She encourages me, believes me in and is one of my closest friends. 

Denise and I about to meet Emmerson Drive

Danielle was my biggest surprises in life.  I was terrified of being a mum again.  We met at a parent's group and hit it off like there was no tomorrow.  Similar interests but most importantly, she cared enough to ask.  That was enough to know she is a saving grace.  To this day, she is like a sister.

Danielle and I enjoying a concert

My mother & grandmother.... these women are my saving graces.

Grandma at one of Arthur jr's hockey games

Mum & I at the Jasper pyjama party

Enjoy the moment

Michael and Arthur jr.

I don't think of myself as adventurous but some do.  These 2 boys experienced somethings in life most wouldn't.  We've been to Thailand, Disneyland and Mexico.  They've been treated to Hawaii and Paris.   It may not seem like much to some but to others, it's a lifetime away.  I'm happy to have given them those experiences.  What they gained on their trips was more than what I anticipated.  They were given the gift of moments.  Not just for themselves for with others and for others.  More importantly, for each other.  They've seen how good of a life they have and how life can be.  Wherever you are, you need to make the most of your moment.  Like the one above in the photo of them.  I look at it daily and know how priceless it is.

Friends from Thailand, breathtaking!

I had a friend in a situation where she had to make a decision.  She was telling me about this opportunity.  I asked her why she made the decision she did and what she said has stuck with me and I am sure it will forever.  She said, "while I was trying to think of the decision I had to make, I asked myself, is this what Nicky would do"?  Someone did what I would do, she enjoyed the moment for what it was.  That is by far one of the biggest complements I've ever received in my entire life.  Thank you Sue!

I've met some amazing friends throughout my life, the ones who stand out are the ones that make the effort to enjoy the moments, those who take the moment for what it is and live it.  If you haven't yet done it, try.  Don't worry about tomorrow, don't think about yesterday... just this moment.  You can change it, ONLY you!

Take a moment to breath and take in all that surrounds you.  Love what you have no matter how small or little.  It may be the only time you have that moment.

Sunshine poking through

Being of a lesser income doesn't make you less of a person or weaker.  It makes you live your life with your eyes wide open.  You learn to accept things, gain insight and understanding.  Sure you can gain that with some money but you may not appreciate it as much without.  

Once you go into that fire, you come out knowing how hot it was and how not to do it again.  If you never enter it, you'll never know.  I suppose that's what they mean by going out and doing something different, something with a challenge.  You never know if you can until you try, right?

Let's try to start a challenge.  Let's push ourselves just once this month and do something we've never done before.  Call it what you want, a random act of kindness, a weekend class, sing at a karaoke bar.  Whatever you do, just do it.  Small or big.  I will.  I will.  

My youngest son and I today went to pick up "Smile" cookies from Tim Hortons for his hockey team.  unknowing to us, we didn't purchase enough and he gladly surrendered his for the lack of the one missing cookie.  The key is, he did it on his own... this made me feel good knowing that when he's older, he's capable.  

My older son enjoys spending time with us, he cooks & helps out around the house.  For the first time ever, without me asking.  This gives me faith, he'll be okay.  

search for the beauty in all things.

Now going back to that challenge, when you do it... tell someone and be proud, happy and yes, brag.  It's contagious.  Don't forget to smile, those are too.

Being thankful...

I try to see each day with fresh eyes, clear hearing and an open heart.

Like others, I want no more than happiness for others and myself.  

I desire not what my friends have but am grateful for the many blessings in their lives, thankful for the chance to experience each single breath with them.  Life isn't about how many breaths you take but how many take your breath away.  We all need to open our eyes more, listen clearer and understand a little bit more.

To me, the greatest sound is the laughter these two have.  The greatest sight is them, knowing I was given the chance to be their mother and hopefully one day, someone they look up to and try to out do.  Thank you to my beautiful son's who have taught me more than any education could grant.