Let me be brutally honest. More so than usual.
I swear sometimes.
I get sad... I mean, down right boo hoo, want to crawl in a hole and lose myself.
Sometimes,
I doubt myself.
I question a lot of my choices and reactions.
I am afraid of thunder and butterfly's.
Sometimes I talk in my sleep when my mind is full and the thoughts spill over.
I mostly hold judgment on myself. Anything I do is a result of one question, "would I be proud of this choice?"
Aside all those negative things these are the ones I am proud to be honest about.
I swear sometimes times. I've learnt some words can be used to express emotions, even if they sound crude.
I cry, abundantly and honestly but then feel a lot better.
I doubt myself but I know that if I didn't I'd be living life ignorantly.
I may be afraid of nature but I'll embrace it too. I sit in the stillness of a storm and watch a butterfly transform and fly away.
I know when I talk in my sleep, I am relaxed enough to do so and trust.
When I hold judgement on myself, I make myself accountable and more often than not, if a change is needed, I'll do that too.
What is being told here, isn't about me so much as it's about the truth of who we all are. To recognize and accept. To know what we do is something we have to be proactive about at times and, during our valleys, to learn that it's okay, things will turn around when we are ready and willing.
Like each of you, I wake throughout the night, thoughts racing through my head. Mostly worry, of things that although the rational part of my brain understands, I cannot change at 2 am, it still swims with concern, "did I do all that I could have?"
For instance, as a parent and going through this role a second time (the kids are 10 years apart) I know more now than I did the first go around. I know that each child is different but letting them learn, this is a key to acceptance and growth.
Your children were not a blessing to your life so that you could build them to be a reflection of you but, perhaps to teach you to expand and understand how different we all are and that we all come the same way, no matter our ethnicity or gender.
Now as an older, wiser parent (sitting with a slight sarcastic grin), I will not force my youngest into something or to become someone he isn't. I use to believe that kids were this blank sheet waiting for us to design. Now I understand, our children are their own persons who we should nourish with an abundance of love and acceptance. I hope I've taught them good values, provided a strong morale compass and proven my unconditional love so that they know at anytime, during any situation, they can trust I'll be here with open arms, ready to love them unconditionally.
When you were born I held your wee body in my hands. Tightly, I kept you warm and safe. I saw your first step, could hear your first word, and those tiny giggles. We'd hide under the blankets, with a flash light telling silly stories. We'd sit and listen to music and talk about the birds. Plant corn in our front yard and play with worms. Cuddle while you tried your hardest to read words from a book. I held the back of your seat when you took off on your first bike, riding faster than I ever imagined. Your butterfly kisses on my cheeks and the gentle touches with your tiny hands made my heart swell.
I watched you cross the street, take the bus, explore beyond my dreams and then return home.
Mothers day.. isn't about receiving another gift, It's about what you already gave me.
You taught me to love unconditionally, accept completely and laugh with abandon. I will always splash in puddles because of you. I will run in the rain. I will look up to the sky and see beyond the clouds because you reminded me to. I see more than I could have imagined. I feel more than I thought possible. All because of you. It's not about measuring the time it took to have you join my life but remembering every, single, moment that I've had with you.
I love you both with more than my soul can take. So instead of expecting something on what they say is Mothers day, I'll say ..
thank you.
Love Mum
With all the life changes that happen, I'll take a moment to reflect. In clairity, without discrimination and with as much compassion I'd want to see returned.
Who's to say the choices another make are good or bad? What landed them in the position they are in at this moment. I'll my live life for what it is...
What I'd give to see another succeed or become a better person for themselves? I know my heart is the first thing that would be surrendered and perhaps that isn't what most think is ideal but it's the truth.
It doesn't matter any more what someone else thinks of the choices I make, my path is that.. my path. I'll choose what I feel is right, even if the consequences are tough to swallow. It's not my place to pass judgement on another, all I need to know is that I'll lay down at night with the faith in myself that I've done something right.
So go forth, spread joy. Give faith and trust that things will work out. I cannot tell you that I've tossed myself into the wind over the past 2 years and how it's turned out. I walk, with the sun warming my face and my heart. I give without expectations and trust. I won't waffle any longer from what I know is the truth.
