Naturally for me, I start in my closet. Under.. done. Above in the area where I put personal items such as books, old papers and private documents. One’s I put away ages ago both physically and emotionally.
Old tax papers, divorce documents and last but not least, a witness statement from 1988.
Before I opened the witness statement I stared at it. Holding it and knowing what would happen if I did.
I took a deep breath and opened.
As I read, I recounted saying those words, feeling the way I did. A cold stone hit the bottom of my belly, rising to my chest, following to my throat then coming out of my mouth.
4 pages of words I had help putting on paper about a sexual assault years prior. One that lasted for years. One that changed who I was and who I would become. I gave up on myself and started to search for approval, acceptance from others at that point. When they say an assault changes one, there is no describing it.
From the day the abuse started to the day I walked into the station to start the process of healing and stopping the future cases of abuse that could have possibly happen. I was not determined to put those people in jail. Not determined to be angry. I wanted to know what every one who encounters abuse. It was almost as though I had the “W’s” going though my head and mostly, my heart.
Why. Why did they do it?
Who. Who hurt them and taught them it was okay?
When. When did they start to think it was okay?
What. What did I do to deserve the lack of respect and love any little girl / young woman should have?
Where. Where would it stop? If stats tell us anything, history repeats itself.
Somethings are better left tucked away, in a box. Far, far away from memories. Away from others reach, others knowledge. Then it dawned on me, as far away as they can be tucked they will never serve the reason they are here.
I am not the first to encounter this, The fact is, I will not be the last.
If this is you, you are not alone. Hold yourself up, don’t believe for a moment it had anything to do what you may have done. You are valuable, worthy and beautiful. No amount of words should take away from that truth. Don’t stop believe in yourself no matter what, even if others do. Grant yourself something daily, no matter how small. Even if that is a moment of peace. Only you can give yourself worth and respect.
Last but not least, know it will be okay. You do not need to have approval from others.
Tonight, I plan on a fire pit where I will burn old tax papers, my divorce papers and finally this statement. Tomorrow is a new day where I am going to respect myself, know that who I am is okay and that I am taking back what I should have years ago.
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