Blessings.

I try to count each day as a blessing.  Although I am not involved with a religion, I have faith in in something bigger out in the world.  It's not hard to find your faith, just close your eyes..... really, do this.

If you closed them they you have faith otherwise you wouldn't have closed them.  It's in all of us even if we try to deny it.

I have faith in human kind.  I've seen it at the worst and that's what keeps my faith strong.  When that woman took me to the mall and returned me safely to my family.  Other times when I was least expecting some slight kindness, something small poked it's head around the corner.  I faced some demons within my family as a child.  Right on.  Some one in my family... no, 2 people sexually assaulted me.  NO one defended me.  I never felt the worth or value as a child.  I didn't want to expect anything.  I just held my head high and learned that my ability to forget things came in as a blessing.  Simple, yes.  When I hit 15 I started to remember.  It was like a flood gate opened up in my head.  I suppose I gained a friend who taught me the value of myself.  I started to talk.  The scary part was, the more I spoke, the more I remembered.

I would wake up in the middle of the night fearing it wasn't a dream.  I would put all my stuffed toys around the edges of my bed top, sides and bottoms to protect me.  To wake me before something happened again.  I slept on the top bunk so my sister would be alerted and she would find my value.  Nothing helped until I hit maturity.  That was my sanctuary.  No one could touch me after that.

I remember trying to face it then.  I was 12 years old.  My mom and I were sitting at the top of the stairs talking.  I can't remember how it came up or the look on her face.  All I remember was her voice getting loud, enough for one of the abusers in the other room to hear.  "That will NEVER happen again ... WILL IT".  The voice on the other side was faint but it was a silent "No".

Truthfully it never happened again.  Not that I can remember to this day.   I do remember it happening for 3 years ... perhaps more.  I hate going back there.  I hate how no one gave me enough value and to this day.... I say "sorry" because I don't think I do enough.  Right now, this makes me upset.

I am taking deep breaths.  I know that these tears, this hurt belongs to them.  I cannot let "them" have my hurt, my tears.

Going back to my later teens.  I started to let things come out.  Finding MY value.  My worth.  I started talking to a teacher in school.  Then Psychologists.  Then Police.  I decided to lay charges against the offenders, my abusers.  My mothers opinion?  "Why would you want to tear our family apart"?  One of the offenders said to me, "Doesn't your church teach you to forgive and forget"?  The other offender, "I am so sorry".

That gave me hope and faith again.  I stayed with the charges.  I was willing to go on the stand.  I went to therapy and listened to others and found I wasn't alone.  I watched others while healing and learned about how those who did these things had control.  I couldn't stand that.  I was in control of my life, no one else.  It went to court.  They both admitted to the abuse, the amount of time and what exactly they did.  I didn't have to hear a thing.  Another small blessing.

I moved into a foster home until I hit 18.  Ironic I suppose.  I never wanted to hurt my family, the opposite was true.  In a letter to the abusers and my family I simply asked the court to be kind and ask them to attend therapy.  So they to could heal.  I believe to this date that most abusers were abused themselves.  Somewhere, somehow we have to stop the cycle.  We need to stop the anger and stop pointing fingers.

Well, in my quest to find value I got pregnant at 18 years of age.  My older son gave me value.  Someone couldn't hurt me or take away what hard work I was willing to put in to be the best parent.  Trust me when I say, I did my best at protecting him.  To this day I do and yes, until I leave this earth I will.

I had another child who is now 11 and taught me the value of second chances.  I suppose life is funny that way.  Our children fill the voids?  I didn't go looking for the blessings in my life, they just happened and again I suppose were and still are.