How has it changed you?

Sitting at the computer for the first time in ages, it feels a wee bit foreign to me as I've been busy trying to recreate life in a new place while life changes, as always never in our control.  We've all tried to adapt to the changes and I wonder how different our perspectives, expectations and  needs have become.

I miss the physical interaction with people I hold close.  In that, I mean physically hold close.  

I..

am a hugger.  

Although I have tried in the past not to encroach my personal space onto another, I eventually come close enough to squish you.  

How has these past years changed you, if at all?

I will respond to lead the conversations.  

I have chosen to live life in the moment, to do what's right, no matter how hard, and even, kept boundaries when I thought it wasn't easy.  Even, at the cost of losing relationships.

I have resigned to the blaring fact that my body won't live forever, and that my soul, actions and lingering words will be around for much longer than I can control.  

Live not by others choices or words but by your morale compass doing the right thing, more so when no one is watching.  

And..

Sneak a hug in once in a while, it feels pretty amazing. 

Let shit go

 I was just having a conversation about what our expectations are in life.. 

Damn it.. hard and fast rules.. what we expect to be in life.. what we should know by now (being in our 50s) that we would be at bench marks at specific times in life... 

20 - Meeting your partner

25 - Marry, buy home

30 - Have kids, start working on retirement plan 

35 - Return to 2 income family, kids in school, chaos returns

40 - Review life, reevaluate life plan

45 - Start planning life changes

50 - .. what the hell is going on?

Who said this is how things are to go?  Who said that at a specific age, we should know what is going on or how the path goes?  Who tells us that at which point we say.. “honestly, I don’t know what the hell is going on but I’m officially going to just let life guide me and I’ll figure it out as I go”. 

I say.... I’m going to stop living life in the box that was defined to me by society and start just being present.. living life and trusting what the hell is going on. 

Those who mind don’t matter..

 I had written a few blog posts about a variety of things but kept coming back to something I heard the other day.. 

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It’s simple yet truthful.  

Being that I moved recently, those who I had become acquainted with, I felt had my best interest at heart.  It turned out, they didn’t.  In fact, they never followed through with their word, nor did they with what I thought was a friendship.  They simply vanished.  Well, after some weeks of reevaluating and waiting, I stepped onto my next journey in this life.  Unbeknownst to me, there was other plans that life had and I was to trust it.  

I was partly hurt due to the simple fact that not only did I wear my heart on my sleeve, I also made myself as vulnerable as one could and it was met with shame.  I would lay at night, feeling less of a person.  In the last few weeks though, it came to me again.. remembering what I’ve shared with my children over and over.  

If you can lay your head down at night, knowing you did what was right and tried your best then you should know it will be okay.  So, I did.  I reviewed the last few weeks and thought.. I did what was right and I did my best.  It’s not the job of another to cast a stone, to gossip or to judge.  I know who has that responsibility.  

If someone in your life does those, remember this.. Those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind.  

I’ll move forward with this life, on this journey and sleep better knowing it’s going to be okay.  

Choose your energy

 What life do you want to live today?

If I were to ask you that face to face, could you be honest enough to tell me and then do it?  

Would you want to give some kindness on to another in need?  Put others first when you can?  Would you lend a hand when you see the opportunity?  

Most of us, see the world through our personal lens, which is okay.  

With the questions I asked you to start off with, I want you to take a moment to reflect on how life has shaped you and how you can make a difference on another’s.  Here are some examples.

A mum and her young son leave a life full of abuse, terror and uncertainty.  They choose to try and make a change in their lives, all the while they make changes in others to keep their minds still.  By going out to help the less fortunate.

You see, no matter how difficult life was, they were both aware that the world could be more difficult for another.  They made a choice that egg shells were no longer worth walking on and that constantly trying to choose their words was more difficult than looking over their shoulders.  They knew that making their path moving forward, as difficult as it may be, will be easier than all of that.  They also choose to not be defined and knew their light was brighter than anything that could put it out.  

You are not defined by anything other than you energy

How to help...

 I often do not bring up matters like this but want to communicate with everyone how important it is to help support women who have left domestic abusive relationships...... 

If you are part of a group where there is a couple that has divorced.. one of the partners has fled for fear of their life.  

Let’s say there was all types of abuse including threats to the victims life, letting them know that they will be found, the abuser knows police, lawyers and judges you as a joint friend are shocked and cannot believe it happened.  You keep in touch with both, thinking nothing of it.  

Until..

You mention to the accused partner or a mutual friend where the others location is, even years after.

You’ve just risked someone’s life.  You may not know it but you have.

If you know of someone who has left domestic violence and they have confided with you regarding their life, their location, it is of the utmost importance that you keep that trust.  If you expose their location, and if a life is taken, ask yourself one thing... 

Can you, with a clear conscience say you had no part? 

Domestic violence is happening and it could be your friend, your neighbour, your sister or cousin.  Don’t ask why they didn’t leave earlier, just listen to them when they are ready to tell you.  If they do, that means they trust you enough but please, never break that trust.

Being kind to yourself

Take a moment today to reflect on some of your inner voices over the last few days.

How do they reflect on you?

Where they kind?

Were they said with patience?

Often, we get caught up with negative affirmations and forget the positive.

Myself after dropping a glass..

“Oh, I am such a klutz, I’m always dropping things”

Instead, recognizing that there were extenuating circumstances around the issue.

My mind was elsewhere or the glass was wet.

I know I don’t always drop things but I do know from time to time, I need to be more present, which in the end will help me be more aware.

Being hard on ourselves, is the first thing most of us do.  It’s not valid to tear ourselves down yet, if it was directed at family or friends, we would encourage and reassure.

Remember, being kind to yourself is as important as being kind to others.  Start reframing your mind, your thoughts.

Trust in yourself

It’s been 48 years now, being here on this amazing planet and I know for a small part, I was less experienced.  Just playing with life, learning about how to get up from a fall, how a spider creates a web and how a small bee can create the sweetest taste.

Throughout life though, I’ve learnt more than anticipated and I hope my children grow to learn more than me.  I hope they become more, better and wiser.  I want to always fix any things they are facing but I also know, they need to learn how to do these things.

I know dad wanted it for me.  He listened to my hurts and offered the ear I needed desperately but he never offered to fix them, he always loved me unconditionally. My Grandmother would invite me in for a cup of tea, and while watching one of her shows, she gave me some of the most important bits of guidance without knowing.  She taught me to laugh.  She taught me to give and to never judge a person no matter what they are doing in life.  You are to respect the Janitor the same was as the CEO of a company.  We are all part of a bigger picture.  Mum taught me patience, faith and forgiveness.  There are countless days of washing walls while playing music together as a family.  She taught me to believe in myself after some life altering experiences as a young girl.  She taught me to write and then, if it was in frustration, rip up the pages and let it go.  My brothers and sisters taught me about unconditional love and forgiveness.

I learnt from all of them, to be the woman I am today, to trust in myself and I hope, my boys learn to do the same.

I couldn’t feel more blessed no matter the broken road we’ve travelled.

Time not wasted

I had you for almost 48 years..

From the day my eyes opened, you’ve loved unconditionally.  Your words would be tough to hear but they were always honest, doubt was never around when you were.

Security and protection were of most importance and I had to work for your trust, knowing never to break it.  You spoke your mind, no matter who could hear it.  Always standing your ground for what you believed in.

We laughed, a lot.  You gave me the time I needed, when I needed and space when I wanted.  We sang together while you played your guitar.  We watched football and I had my first beer with you.

Often, when the path wasn’t clear you would brush away the debris and show me my choices always enforcing the right things.

Dad, I miss you so much.  This Sunday is papa’s day but you know, I celebrate you every single day.

Remember when I would come over and we would chat.  I never would leave without saying I love you and waiting for you to say it back to me.

Our last moment together plays in my mind over and over again.  Sitting across you on the bed, my hand in yours, your other hand holding my arm, I told you I love you, you squeezed my hand two times.

I know.. you were telling me to behave and that you love me too.

Fighting for air

Years back, my youngest played hockey. As many, he started with no experience but with drive and shortly after he started, we became part of the local hockey community.  They were, for the most part supportive, caring and encouraging humans.

Throughout his hockey years, he moved up in what we refer to as tiers.  8th tier was the least experienced up to tier 1 / AAA being the most experienced.  The time spent on different groups gave him the ability to adapt, gain courage and help lead a group of kids regardless of wins or losses.  His second last year, he made it to AA,  The coaches saw in him what I already knew.

Early in his second last season while in warmup on the ice, his blade on the skate took him by surprise, sending him sliding sideways towards the boards full force.  WHAM!  Then the sound no parent wants to hear... a painful, long scream.  The coaches and trainer went running onto the ice to help him up as he was unable to support his left leg with any weight.  With them carrying him off, I ran to my car, helping him in the back and drove as quickly and safely as I could to the childrens hospital.

It was confirmed he had a spiral fracture, would require surgery, screws and a plate.  His season could be over and was devastated.  The day after of course, asking me when he could go to the next game or practice.  My heart was shattered for him but did what any parent would do.  We drove to every game with him wearing his suit, every practice and sat in the stands to watch and take notes of other teams, report back to his and let them know the down-low of each player they were against, giving feedback and encouragement.  His team however, was not fairing well.  A few weeks later, Artie had been busy in his bedroom prior to a game, came out and announced that he required 5 minutes with the team before the game.  I wouldn’t question him, just picked up the phone before leaving the house to the arena and let the coach know.  Without hesitation, the coach agreed.

In he went to the change room, coaches allowed to stay but granting him the time.  What he said astounded us all, as not a soul anticipated it whatsoever.

There was a young man who wanted to make a lot of money, and so he went to a guru.

He told the guru, “I wanna be on the same level that you’re on.”

And so the guru said, “If you wanna be on the same level that I’m on, I’ll meet you tomorrow at the beach at 4 am.”

The man thought, The beach. I said I wanna make money, I don’t wanna swim.

But the young man got there at 4 am, all ready to rock and roll. 

The old guru grabbed his head. “How bad do you want to be successful?”

“Real Bad.”

So the guru said, “Walk on out in the water.”

So he walks out into the water, about waist deep. He said to himself, This man’s crazy. I wanna make money, he’s got me out here swimming. I didn’t ask to be a lifeguard. I wanna make money.

The guru said “Come out a little further.” So he did. He was up right about at the shoulder area.

He thought, this old guru is crazy. He’s making money, but he’s crazy.

The guru said, “Come out a little further”. He came out a little further. He was right at his mouth.

The young man was like, “I’m about to go back in. This man’s out of his mind.”

But the guru shouted, “I thought you wanted to be successful!”

He said, “I do!”

The guru said, “Walk a little further…”

He came, and the guru dropped his head in the water. He Held him down, and was holding him under. The man was scratching, clawing, fighting to get up. The guru kept him down under water. And just before the young man was about to pass out the guru raised him up.

The Guru said, “I got a question for you. When you were under water, what was the only thing you wanted to do? More than anything?”

He said, “I wanted to breathe.”

The guru said “when you fight for success as much as you fought for air, you will succeed.”

The team proceeded to win the game.  Never underestimate the power of encouragement and support when a positive moment is in front of you.  Never give up.   My son stepped back onto the ice 2 months after the break, as if he had not missed a stride. 

(See below link for the video as well)

Fighting for air

The life we are given

I wasn’t searching for life, I was given it.  Whatever circumstances that played out throughout this life, wasn’t always of my own doing but it certainly created resilience and strength.  For that alone, I am grateful.  Nothing more could have been a better gift than struggles.  For each of those, I am who I am today and have discovered that it’s not about the climb but about the view from up top after each step forward which is after all, a step up on the game plan I know nothing about.

Sitting inside a house, I can hear the drops on our roof, it gives time to reflect upon the above statement.  I will not look back at days in which I feel sadness with grief but with gratitude.  I am here, given time to live it a wee bit longer.  Perhaps to pass on something to my own boys so that they will become better, stronger and wiser than I will ever be.  I truly do have faith that each generation can make a better one, that each child or person we’ve been in contact with can see more beauty that what we have.

Don’t look at yesterday as a failure, rather an opportunity to learn and grow.  Don’t see tomorrow with fear but as opportunity to make something bigger.  Be present in the moment, laugh until your tummy and face hurt.  Do the silly things to surprise even yourself.  Be patient with everyone and above all, kindness is the most important act you will ever do while living life.

Love always