As a woman, I've learnt to give my all.
No less.
I work hard to be who I am, every single day. To be honest, sincere and kind.
No less.
I live by my standards and beliefs, to bring what little justice I know around me, every little way.
No less.
As a daughter, granddaughter, sister and niece, I will do my best to honour my family, be true.
No less.
As a friend and partner, I will give you all that I can. To listen, learn and love, to be compassionate caring and give you moments of laughter.
No less.
As a mother, I will be strong, caring and forgiving. I promise to help guide you but let you fly.
No less.
I remember, as a young child mum had this quote on the wall..
All above stated is true as we mostly carry these forward, letting them define our lives, our selves, our paths, creating the journey we go on.
I, for one can say that history repeats its self but until you recognize this, change cannot be.
There are beautiful, amazing events that happen. Ones in small moments, where the light is brighter than we expect, the energy is stronger and the outcome is not what we anticipate. Those you don’t want to correct but you must recognize them. It is for those moments you will need later in life that may get you through a difficult moment.
A few weeks ago, I went to the first outdoor farmers market UIKEYINPUTDOWNARROWin Edmonton. It wasn’t just about purchasing items for the week but having some therapeutic “in the moment” moments. Dogs, everywhere (on leashes) and my state of “ADOD” was in full action (Attention, Deficit Oh Dog) I felt the need to touch every one that passed (but I didn’t). Then there was an abundance of wee children. As the sun warmed our faces and the wind gently blew thru the walking traffic, children laughed. They spoke and their innocent wee voices which filled my heart with joy and brought me back to when my two boys were that age. The smells of fresh baking and the small talk that came from strangers as we watched buskers perform. My heart was filling up with an abundance of gratitude that it has not felt in quite some time.
On the flip side, I struggle daily with past events that had shaped me to become fearful and doubtful. I know that those who have put them in my heart and mind may not be involved with my life any longer, still seem to have a bit of a hold on me. This is where I return to the start of my entry today.
We learn what we live.
Even though I am much older, the events that I have been exposed to, even in adulthood have shaped me. This is where I need to change. Perhaps, there are others out there similar to me, who see the need internally but are unsure or unaware of how to do the steps to make permanent emotional change for the better. My therapist use to say it was PTSD. Okay, I’ll admit here that before I made a life change, I took steps to see a therapist. I will admit it was the best thing for me, to help see past the fog and self blame. In failure, it can be two sides. Mostly about communication but partly to reaction.
I failed to see (yes, I’ll use failure here) that I couldn’t communicate to another about how I felt. The fears, the doubts and mostly, to stand up for myself to say enough was enough. My internal values didn’t match up with what I was experiencing and I couldn’t continue.
Years later, I struggle with some of the things I learnt and do not want to become those. I’d like to explained as if a filter goes through my thoughts. I hear a statement and two responses go through my head. Before I spout them out I actually go and analyze who I am.
(This happens in a split moment)
My previous life, the responses wouldn’t have been what I value but as I said before, we learn what we live and we accept what is prevalent around us. Then I use my own mind. I know what my values are, and I say what is important to me. Will I be okay with the words that I say?
It is a daily battle to become who I want to be. I fight with the past words that were used to describe me. Worthless, stupid, unable, incapable... and many others. There are times when I am given a simple task and the weight of those words completely stop me from moving forward, freezing me in a place I don’t want to come out of. The weight of the words would physically stop me in my tracks.
I stop and breathe..
I take away the strength of those words..
Reflecting on a moment where my heart was full and life returns. I become a wee bit stronger, when I win against those tiny words. I am not owned by them nor will I let them become me.
Life is full of moments, good or bad. Our reaction to them will help shape our paths. Use the strength of positive moments, to tear down the words we give power to, take back ownership of your life and become.
Feel the warmth from the sun and gain strength from the positive around you. Live in the moment of warmth, love, abundance and laughter.
Often, we may curse our failures or the moments in our lives that have hurt us the most. Many times, we give them power to tear us down further, bringing us to a point of anger, despair and grief. Emotions that are not easily built from.
Have you ever noticed, the people that choose to be happiest, may have been the ones that have fallen furthest? Why is that? They choose not to take the harmful emotions to walk on, but the emotions of gratitude and faith.
We can shake our fists at the faith we live on or we can hold our hand out to the faith, trusting in what is in store for us.
It's not easy, believe me. Some of the hardest moments in my last few years have been exactly this. Trusting what is in store and trying to life fully without the feelings of anger, despair or grief. Still, I choose to live happy, even if at times, my faith has fallen.
From the ashes, I will still rise. Each moment, each step, each breath I take will bring me to somewhere I cannot imagine and I look forward to the journey, no matter the outcome.
